


Calling Out Your Name

by tokoyamisstuff



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: 104th Training Corps - Freeform, AU, Alcohol, Alternate Universe, Angst, Attempted Murder, Beach Episode, Bedsharing, Child Soldiers, Choking, Coma, Death, Drama, Eldia, F/M, Fanservice, Fluff, Friendship, Funny, Gore, Guilt, Jealousy, Manga Spoilers, Marley - Freeform, Nightmare, OC, On-Again/Off-Again Relationship, Oral Sex, Original Character - Freeform, PTSD, Pregnancy, Recon Corps, Romance, Self-Insert, Ship, Suicide Attempt, Surpessed Memories, Swimming, Wall Maria - Freeform, blowjob, character x reader, colossal titan, drunk, lovechild, proposal, relationship, soft nsfw, split personality, survey corps, trigger - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-09
Updated: 2018-03-18
Packaged: 2019-03-29 03:37:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 15
Words: 32,724
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13918563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tokoyamisstuff/pseuds/tokoyamisstuff
Summary: When wall Maria fell, your whole family got slaughtered by the actions of the Armored Titan. For the following years, you were all alone - a mere orphan, struggling to survive in the streets of wall Rose. With nothing left to lose, you eventually decided to join the military. Was it for revenge? You didn't know.All those new friends returned your will to live - people you could call a family again. Especially your best friend, Reiner Braun, would always be there for you. He helped you to deal with all those horrible memories haunting your dreams.If only you knew about his secret...





	1. Tragedy

**Author's Note:**

> Note for the reader:  
> \- Well, it's love-centered, but I still tried to make you feel as a part of the story.  
> \- I love Historia as a character, but for obvious reasons I replaced her with you at some scenes.  
> \- The story will be taking place in the SnK universe, but it won't be completely parallel to it so you as a character can fit in.  
> \- Will contain Manga spoilers.
> 
> Beware, my English is not my mother tongue.
> 
> [___] = Your name  
> In the story, you're about 1 year younger than Reiner. Your little brother was 7yrs old when he died.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How can a heart that's already broken still hurt so much?

**[Year 845]**

It should be a day like anyone else. You and your brother had to went to the market to get some supplies for the coming week, while your parents stayed at the tavern both of them run with all their passion.

Actually, you knew you were no one special. People wouldn't remember you for your great deeds, and you probably won't even leave this town for your whole life. But as long as you could spend your time being with those you loved, you were fine with it.

Over the years, you got used to play the adult for your brother and many other kids in your village. The adults here had a pretty hard life and were always busy earning enough money to get through, so you weren't mad at them at all. Even though you often had to work and rarely got time to have fun with them, they were really loving. You couldn't be happier in any way - what would you want more?

Your village was directly front of the gate that connected wall Maria and it's outer district, Shiganshina. The small house with the tavern at the ground level had a perfect location - if you came from Shiganshina and entered wall Maria, you just had to straightforward follow the main road for about half a kilometre, then just turn to your left. The fact that the tavern is this close to the wall, it was certain that the Garrison would come for a drink everyday. This promised many regular visitors, which was the reason your parents bought it.

This would be a **special** day - you just felt it. Enjoying a slight breeze of fresh air as you greeted some of the townsfolk, you thought about visiting some of your friends in Shiganshina. Armin always had this wonderful books from his uncle, after all! The stories about the outside of the wall are interesting, indeed. You peeked to the side, to observe how your brother's doing. He's pretty weak for his age, but he always tries his best to help. Yet he's still just a kid, after all...

 _" **Ugh** , this stuff is so heavy. Why do we have to run those errands all the time?"_ You took one of the packages your brother was carrying, and encouraged him with a gentle smile of yours. As the two of you kept going, you tried to explain it to him - without much hope for him understand, to be honest. _"Mom and Dad have to stay at the tavern in case a customer comes by. Lately, the taxes got increased again, so they're working even harder for us!"_ This response only made him sulk even more. _"I know, I know. But it's such a nice day...I wanna go play with the others kids."_

 _"We're almost there. I only need to sweep the floor back home, and then we can go to the forrest and play with the others. Would you like that?"_ His frown turned into a bright expression. _"Sure!",_ he cheered, _"Thank you, sis! You're the best!"_ the young boy added as he hugged you.

As soon as you finished your sentence, you saw a bright light, and something that sounded like lightning. _"A thunderstorm? Weird, the sky is clear..."_ you thought to yourself, when suddenly the voices of screaming people mixed with the usual, hasty townslife. Your brother looked up to you while collecting the food he dropped when he became frightened.  _"What's wrong in Shiganshina?",_ he asked you.

 _"I don't know. Maybe a building got struck by the lightning..."_ you pondered, asking yourself if you should go to look if someone needed help. But you couldn't leave your brother alone, so you decided to let it be. _"Let's go home quickly, the news will surely spread across the wall soon."_

Yet it was already too late for both of you to go back home - **ever.**  You still were a few hundret meters way from the gate, where you could hear the desparate screams of the residents, not seeming to stop in the slightest.

As you took one last look at the sky, you realized it was hopeless. Wall Maria was so close that you couldn't see if there was smoke coming from the other side. But then, **it** happened: Even though you were still pretty far away from the open gate, you heared the soldiers yelling very clearly. _**"Close the gate! The titans are invading!"**_

For mere seconds, you stood froze in disbelieve Is this a joke? They can't be serious. But at the same time your thoughts got interrupted by the sounds of giant footsteps - which appeared to be getting faster...and **closer.**

You snapped, and out of a reflex you wanted to take your brothers hand and run away from the gate as far as possible - but it was already too late. The sound of the breaking wall was so loud that you had to cover your ears. When you opened your eyes again, what you saw was **hell.** Soldier's dead bodies flying through the air, together with boulders from the broken gate. Crushed buildings, blood everywhere. The tortured screams of many rang in your ears. You were so terrorized that you didn't even realize the cruel, humanoid giant that stopped his rampage - directly in the street your house was located.

After you recovered from your shock, the most important question came to your mind - **where is my brother?**

You turned around, just for your heart to be broken to pieces. What you saw wasn't your brother - **not anymore.** A bigger piece of the gate crushed him to death - the only thing left was blood and guts, some of them even sprinkled on your hands. Your mind went completely blank. **Why? Why** him? **Why** did he have to die? He was so close to me - **why** couldn't I protect him? **Why** couldn't **I** have died in his place?

But what could you have possibly done? For the first time in years, you remembered that you were only a child yourself. You couldn't stay there, even though it broke your heart to leave your brother alone. Screaming your lungs out in pain and terror, you ran over to your parent's house **\- your home.** As soon as you arrive there, they'd help you. You could flee together, or so you thought- but your nightmare wouldn't end.

As you realized that your house had collapsed, ou fell on your knees. Screaming, crying, beating the rubble that seemed to have buried your parents. _"Please, everyone, **don't leave me alone!"**_ you cried out, still trying to get into the remains of what was once your home. Your heart burned to the point where you thought it might as well been ripped out of your chest.

Your family did nothing wrong, so why did this have to happen? What kind of **monsters** would do such a thing?

When you felt the air getting hot all of sudden, your tunnel view finally vanished, and you looked at your surroundings. It was right in front of you - the titan that crushed the wall. He seemed to have stopped here after slowing down. You never saw a titan before, and you never wanted, honestly. Do they all look like this? It looked like a muscular man, which skin seemed to be as hard as steel. Steam leaked out of it and it breathed fire. It was the most terrifying thing you ever saw, yet it wasn't even nearly as horrible as the thought of your family being gone.

So this is how you should **die?** Yet when you thought about it, who cares anyway? There was **nothing** left. Your only thought right now was that you wanted to be with your family - no matter how. 

_____________________________

What you couldn't see was the small, frightened boy inside of the titan - slowly realizing what disaster he had envoked. This wasn't what he had prepared for all of this years. Those people - are **weak.**

At first, he didn't even notice. He just transformed, quickly broke down the wall and tried to cool down his titan before running away - vanishing, meeting up with his allies and mix in with the refugees.

As he looked down, still not being able to move due to his titan body being overheated, he looked down. And there, he saw **you.** A fragile girl about his age - and he couldn't help but to think how **beautiful**  you were. Why did he think about such a thing at this moment? He needs to concentrate on the mission! But - the way you looked at him, frightened, hating even, made him wake up from his naive dream.

**_"What have I done?"_ **

Tears filled up the boy's eyes, and hopelessness and guilt began to weight heavy on his heart. You looked up to the monster you thought would either eat or crush you - but it didn't. Well, it doesn't make a difference now that the titans will invade the whole wall.

It was just a mere moment, but the rest of your home that was still standing collapsed, too. In less than 2 seconds, you turned around and saw your certain death falling onto you. Quickly closing your eyes and covering your head, you made peace with your miserable life - but when you opened them again, you were not dead.

The first thing you saw was the hand of the titan - of the creature that **murdered** your family and everyone you knew, and is sure to bring certain doom to even more. You did not understand. What was happening? The hand of the monster before you seemed to have covered you from the rubble - but why? Did it really protect you? Or is it going to grab and eat you now?

No. It moved it's hand away as quickly as it helped you, straightening his body as it still looked down on you. Reiner didn't even know himself. He just **had** to do it. Saving you. Now there he stood, doubting his whole existence as his mind got flooded with questions. You awoke him from his dreams as you started to throw some stones at him. All this sadness and anger just had to be directed at something at this point, no matter the outcome.

_"Why? **WHY??** Why did they have to die?! I hate you! You beasts! Fucking **monsters!** I swear with every fibre of my being:_

_One day, I will definetly **kill you!"**_


	2. They would want you to live on

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How does a child react when it realizes all that he's ever believed in were empty lies?

**[At the refugee camp, Reiner's point of view]**

_"What just is this place? It's nothing like I've imagined. It hasn't even been a few days since we started our mission, yet we already realized the shattering truth: Those people are no demons. They're simple farmers. People who know nothing. The real monster **\- is us.**_

_Annie and Berthold must have realized, too. They didn't even speak a word to me or each other ever since we arrived here. Why should they, even? We never even had time to process Marcel's death. Marcel...what would he do right now?_

_This is all my fault! They wanted to abort this mission, but I forced them to stay! Because of me, the people here are **-** **no.**  Those sacrifices were inevitable. If done by us or other warriors - it doesn't matter. Their fate has already been decided long ago. They are doomed anyway._

_But what if we're wrong? Do we really have the right to judge who is worth living and who isn't? No, it can't be. Those people are the spawn of the devil himself. Just look at them, fighting over food instead of helping each other. Yet...it's not really different back in Marley. Ahh, my head hurts."_

_____________________________________________________

_"You guys stay here, I'll get us some food."_ Annie was the one to break the silence, and of course Berthold got worried about her. _"B-but all alone?" he stuttered. "I'm a girl, I will get more rations. Just find us a place to sleep, I'll catch up."_ Well, she was never one to cooperate well. But she always did what had to be done.

When Reiner and Berthold went through an old, scrappy building, they seemed to have found a proper place to sleep. At least it had a rooftop... But on their way to the blanket that marked a sleeping spot for the refugees, Reiner suddenly stopped in the middle of the hall. An old man bumped into him and immediately started to brag around. _"Hey you brat, watch where you're going!"_

But he didn't notice anything at this moment. While Berthold tried to calm down the man with the  _"We're just all stressed and hungry, please forgive us!"-_ tactic, Reiner still couldn't believe who he saw there: It was **you.** Cowered in a corner, your knees pulled to your chest, you sat in there without any reaction to what's around you. Dark circles underlined your eyes, since you didn't sleep since back then.

 _"Do you know her, Reiner?"_ Berthold lay his hand on his friend's shoulder, making him wake up from his trance. _"Huh? Uh, no. It was just -" "Interested in the girl, huh?"_ A soldier built himself up in front of the two boys. _"Forget it. She's like this ever since a guy from the Garrison rescued her. She wouldn't even eat or even sleep, she just keeps on staring into the void. Well, if she dies, we have at least a bit more space in here..."_

Reiner gave the man a good hack on the shin, angered by this person's words. _"Why do I even care about those demonspawns? Humans are all the same. We're selfish"_ he thought before getting a punch in the face and everything around him went black.

When he woke up again, the first thing he heared was Berthold's voice. _"Reiner. **Reiner!** Are you alright?" _ He felt nothing except a pulsing pain at his right cheek. Sitting up and opening his eyes, he saw your face, very close to his. You seemed worked up about something, but he felt happy somehow that you put away that blank stare. _"I'm so sorry! Your friend told me what happened! How nobly you defended me! I didn't want you to get hurt, really, I -"_

 _"N-no big deal!"_ Reiner muttered while standing up with Berthold's help. _"I wish I could repay you someho -"_ you suddenly blacked out yourself, falling right into Reiner's arms. _"H-hey! What's wrong?"_  Berthold couldn't help but notice how Reiner began to blush as he tried to gently hold you. When regaining consciousness after a few seconds, you quickly backed away and apologized. _"Sorry! I didn't eat for quite a while"_ , you giggled nervously, trying to sound collected.

Even Berthold got worried for you. _"You need to take better care of yourself!"_ Hearing those words, the facade shattered. _"What's the point?"_ you stated with a crack in your voice. _"I don't have any home to go to. Or any people who care for me. I lost everything"_ you said while tears run down your cheeks, uncontrollably. At this moment, Reiner felt like the weight of his actions would crush him to death - just like he crushed all those people. Berthold couldn't stand it anymore - he ran away, crying himself.

 _"I'm sorry"_ , you whispered, _"You probably experienced horrible things, too." "No, it's all my fault..."_ he said, approaching you. He didn't say anything more, but his expression changed very drastically. Just a second before he looked like a flustered, scared little boy - but now he had some kind of fire in his eyes. His look was hardened with resolve. You got scared and tried back off, since his face somehow reminded you of a memory you had already surpressed. Unfortunately, your back already touched the wall, so you couldn't get any further.

His words made no sense, yet they caused your fears to fade away for a second. _"But I'll make up for everything I've done, I promise"_ he said with a strong, but also sad tone in his voice as he wiped the tears out of your face, using his oversized jacket.

You didn't know what he meant, even though you thought about it all night long. Anyway, his words encouraged you. _"Your family would want you to live on and find happiness."_ You silently repeated his words, remembering the bright smile he gave you before walking away. Thinking of this, you felt asleep peacefully, dreaming of this boy instead of having a nightmare.

When you woke up, you found a loaf of bread next to you. It made you smile somehow, and you decided to finally eat something. The boy was right - you **had to** survive! _"Reiner, huh..."_ you told yourself while thankfully munching the bread.

Sadly, even though you looked everywhere for them, you couldn't find the two boys you met the day before. But no matter where they are, you hoped they'd always be fine.


	3. Second first meeting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haven't you met before?

The following months were probably the hardest for you, even compared with all the years that are yet to come.

You were all alone, struggling to at least get something to eat and a roof over your head every day anew. Sometimes you got yourself compainions, yet they always ended up using and betraying you.

But you **refused** to give up, no matter how hard it was. **No matter** how many times you got beaten to the ground - you'd always stand up again. **No matter** how hard the world may be - there are people worth living for. Things worth fighting for, as long as you breathe!

In the end, you could proudly say that you always tried to do the right thing - and on your way to survival, you even helped some people. That was worth more than any amount of money. After a few months, you finally found something you could call a home of some sort. No, let's not overstate it - it was a place to sleep with one warm meal a day. You worked at a small hospital, where you did all kinds of work that needed to be done. The people were pretty polite and you actually learned a thing or two. In the end, your first aid and medical knowledge was on a professional level.

But even though this way of living was safe and fullfilling, you just felt like there was a greater purpose you should serve for. Actually, you never really felt at home at that place, no matter how hard you tried - you were still an outsider, merely a colleague.

And the fall of wall Maria made one thing clear to you: Staying inside the walls and hoping that **they** won't come in again is too naive. People needed to do something - or humanity will be doomed. So you made your decision - beginning next year, you'd aim to join the  **Survey Corps!**

___________________________________________________________________

 **Finally.** It was the first day of your training, and up until now you didn't do anything except for lining up and saluting while Instructor Shadis yelled at a few of the trainees. He did only do so much walk past you, though. You wondered why.

Maybe it was just your imagination, but you felt as if someone was staring at you. No one at your left, right or frnt dared to look any other way than straightforwards, so you turned your head around and examined the back row. And there **he** was.

As your eyes meet, you felt how your heart began to race, but you couldn't explain to yourself why. The boy looking at you was a tall, muscular man who looked like he was way older than the average trainee. His passionate eyes reminded you of something - but to be honest, your memory of the events shortly after wall Maria's fall were pretty blurry to you. Anyway, to comfort the obviously nervous boy, you'd put on your most beautiful smile - shortly before someone gave you a proper knock on your head.

 _"Daydreaming, aren't we? I don't care if you're from wall Maria or not, you better take this **damn serious,** or you'll end up like your landsmen!"_ No one dared to move or even make a sound as the Instructor kept on yelling at you - when suddenly Reiner collected all of his courage and interrupted him. _"Sir, I'm sorry, Sir, but I'm the one who distracted her." "Oh? Another funster, huh? This is no kindergarden, you shitheads! What's your name?"_ The boy began a very serious salute. _"I'm Reiner Braun, sir!"_

 **Reiner...** What was it exactly? You heared this name before...but where? Beginning to punder, your head showing you the vague image of a kind smile, you didn't even notice how Shadis stopped yelling at Reiner and proceeded to a girl who dared to eat a potato in the midst of the introduction for some reason.

___________________________________________________________________

After the introduction and the trial session was over, it was already dawn. Everyone here seemed pretty nice, and Annie - the girl you shared your dorm with - was a quiet but at least polite girl, yet her mood always seemed to be pretty dark. You were really happy to have found your good childhood friend Armin amongst the trainees - even though you never thought he'd join the military. He must have experienced even more horrible things than him, and as you sat on the desk together with them, all of you shared your memories of the day back then with those who weren't there.

Connie was the one to ask you, after the Shiganshina kids _(mainly Eren)_ finished talking. _"So, [___]. You were even closer than Eren, right? What was the Armored Titan like?"_ The word alone triggered your memories of the past you tried to forget so desparately. You began to tremble as tears filled your eyes. Unable to move, you had a flashback to what happened. Suddenly, you felt a strong hand on your back, bringing you back to real life.

 _"It's all right. You don't need to talk about it."_ Looking up, you saw the boy from before, looking at you pretty worried and kind of guilty for some reason. _"Huh? When she's so traumatized, then why is she here for gods sake? How stupid",_ Ymir commented, making Reiner's expression becoming very intimidating. _"Leave her alone, already!"_ Historia yelled as she rammed her head into Ymir's ribcage. _"Ouch! What are you, my mother?"_  Christa looked at you pretty reassuring. _"Sorry, she doesn't mean it. She just blurts out what's on her mind." "Nono, it's okay. I'm here to overcome my weakness. But it's a long way, I guess"_ you stated as you started to smile again.

When everyone was done eating and went to sleep, you saw Reiner standing in front of the barracks, alone. You seemed to interrupt his thoughts when you greeted him, making him flinch at first. _"Oh. Hello."_ You approached him, tripping and almost falling because of your clumsy attitude.  Reiner held you firmly on your shoulders as you tried to keep your cool. _"Umm, sorry if I'm disturbing you...I just wanted to thank you. For this morning and earlier."_ Reiner shyly put his arms behind his back, smiling at you awkwardly as he said _"Don't talk such nonsense. You're not disturbing me at all, and don't thank me for this. It's no big deal."_  You smiled back at him before reaching out your hand for him. _"I'm [___]. And you are Reiner, right?"_ He immediately answered your handshake - his big, warm hands covering yours completely. _"Yeah. Reiner Braun. Nice to meet you, [___]!"_

Actually, he remembered you. Every little detail of back then, to be honest. He **never** forgot. At that time, he thought if he could at least save you, then...what exactly? But for you to be here...was it fate? Ah, nonsense. That's not important right now. He's not here to play friends, **damn it!**

 _"Don't you want to sleep?"_ he asked bluntly. _"No, not yet. I have pretty bad insomnia, and to be honest, the whole day upset me a bit. I think I'll go for a walk."_ He struggled against saying it, but he has a helping complex, after all. _"Should I accompany you? It's already dark and you being alone in the woods..."_ You began to smirk. _"Oh, so you think I'm too weak to go on my own?" "That's not what I meant, I -" "Relax", you interrupted him, "I wanted to ask if you wanted to join me anyway."_

The two of you simply walked through the dark forrest for a long time, not exchanging any words - yet smiling each time your eyes would met. Both of you didn't really know why you kept on walking, or where you wanted to go, but you felt pretty fine as it was. When you reached a cliff, right over a giant lake, you stopped to rest. The moonlight made the water twinkle in such a bright light, that you thought all of your sorrows disappeared for a moment.

You looked to your right, where Reiner was standing - but he seemed kind of depressed, looking into the emptiness with a sorrowful expression. Not knowing how to react, you just sighed and sat down, making a gesture that he should do the same. _"Why do you aim to become a soldier, [___]?"_ _"Huh? What a weird question to get to know each other. I want to protect others, I guess. I don't think I'm strong or that I'll be extraordinary, but I know life inside of these walls won't hold forever, so I want to at least die fighting instead of just waiting for my certain death. That's all."_

Reiner's expression only got darker. You poked him on the shoulder, making him to look directly at you instead of staring at nothing. Now he looked deep into your eyes, and he thought they'd shine even brighter than the moon itself. The way you smiled at him was kind, caring - and with affection. Remembering your look of back when he was in his titan form, he began to shiver - your promise to kill him echoing inside of his head. The impression that you liked him was a **lie** \- one you didn't know it was.

 _"So, what's your reason for joining the military?"_ At first, he hesitated to answer. _"I...don't know how to put it, really. The past year I was pretty...confused. But I think it's the same as with you: I want to protect those I love."_ You nodded understandingly, enjoying the view of the lake again. _"Then I hope we both achieve our goals." "Yeah..."_

 

 


	4. A new family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A small collection of shorts which show how your bond strenghtened over the years as trainees.
> 
> I guess the swim lessons are my take on a "Beach Episode"? Lmao

Ever since the first day, Reiner and you would continue to visit _"your spot"_ at the lake many times. It became a regular activity to just sit there, watching the stars and talking about all kinds of stuff. Even just sitting there in silence, enjoying some peace.

It seemed so natural how the two of you got along. Reiner didn't like to talk about his past that much, only giving short answers to your questions or trying to change the topic immediately. But he was pretty good at giving motivating speeches to cheer you up when you talked about things that troubled you. He was the only one who knew almost everything about you - you actually preffered your past to be known by only a few, too.

Not much time was needed for you to completely **trust** this man.

He also introduced you to his childhood friend, Berthold. A big, shy man who appreciated every little thing people did for him. He seemed to think everyone was amazing - except for himself. For ages you tried to boost his confidence, but it seemed to you like there had always been something he didn't want to talk about. Or couldn't, maybe?

Anyway, you also found a wonderful friend in him. He was a very good listener and even though a rather passive guy, you always had much fun together. The trio you had built was a pretty awkward one, but to you they were like **family.** You never expected to be able to say this word ever again.

_______________________________________________

**[One spring, at a training route through the woods]**

Oh, those three years are **certainly** going to be hard. Considering your weak physique, you knew it wouldn't be as easy for you to get in shape in comparison to people like Reiner - who loved to tease you about it. But on the other hand, he was also pretty overprotective when it came to you. It was annoying at times, but also pretty cute somehow.

 _"Let me carry this for you"_ Reiner said as he tried to rip the heavy bagpack away from your shoulders, but you struggled. _"I can do it on my own, Reiner!" "Huh, sorry"_ he mumbled, before you gave him a quick kiss on the cheek and ran away - leaving him behind completely flustered. _"Oh, so this is how you want to play?"_ he reacted a with a mischievous grin, before trying to catch up on you.

 _"Reiner Braun - he's strong as an ox and has a will to match. But more than anything, he has earned the trust of his comrades."_ Shadis thought to himself while making some notes. _"And [___] - strong willed and yet kind, excellent medical knowledge but still a bit clumsy. She'd make for a good soldier, but I'm afraid she'll sacrifice herself for her friends way too early when on the battlefield."_

After a short time, he fell into step with you again. _"Is this just my imagination, or are you getting slower?"_ you teased. _"Oh, don't challenge me"_ he laughed with pride, _"I'm only slowing down to your speed!"_ Not even a minute after his statement he already overtook any other trainee by miles. **Ugh,** he wants to be praised again, doesn't he...

_______________________________________________

**[August 1th]**

_"Happy Birthday, Reiner!"_ You were the first one to greet him this morning, running over to him and giving him a hearty hug. _"Oh, yeah. Totally forgot"_ he laughed nervously while everyone looked at him in expectation.

 _"How could you forget? I woke you up at midnight to congratulate you..."_ Berthold whispered a bit disappointed. _"Yeah! I'm sorry! Where is my head sometimes?"_ he apologized while rubbing his cheek onto Berthold's, who got embarassed about this public sign of affection. "Don't be mad, Bertl. Your congrats are much appreciated, my bestie!" You sulked a bit for not being the first one to tell him Happy Birthday, but the two were just too precious together. 

After everyone telled their congratulations, you and Reiner took a seat at your usual table with Berthold. But before this, you got something out of the room next to the dining hall. _"Sasha, if you ate this I am going to kill you!" "I-I'd never - !" "She tried to, but I held her back"_ Connie said while trying to sound cool. _"Thanks. You're a true friend!"_

You happily came back into the room with a small cupcake on a plate. _"Sorry, you know supplies are rare so I didn't have enough for a whole cake. But I made it myself!"_ Reiner's eyes began to shine when he saw how proud you were to give him this small gift. He gave you his usual, way too strong hug and kissed you on your forehead. _"You're making me so happy, you wouldn't believe it!" "Huh? It's just a cupcake..."_ you mumbled, blushing due to the kiss.

He already stuffed the whole muffin into his mouth, so he quickly gulped to answer you - and almost choked. _"Oh, you know, back home we didn't have the time or money to have a birthday party, so..."_ he pondered happily while scratching his chin. _"Then it's about time to change that"_ you already planned in your head.

In the evening, you covered Reiner's eyes with a bandage when you pushed him to the room where everyone was waiting. _"What are you doing, [___]?" "You'll see, just be patient!"_

When he could take off the bandages, everyone greeted him with a bright smile. Shadis heared you being loud untill deep in the night, and even though he thought you are not children anymore and should stop playing happy day, he let you be. _"Tomorrow morning they'll run until they puke"_ he thought, nipping on his waterbottle.

Of course you hadn't much to decorate or eat and drink, but you were together - singing songs and telling stories about how you'd grow old together and meet up for a beer every week.

When saying goodbye that night, Reiner really was still hyped. Pulling you over to him, holding you in his strong arms, he said _"You know, it sounds weird since we're in soldier training...But thanks to you, **I made the happiest memories of my life here."**_

_______________________________________________

**[The next summer]**

_"What do you mean you **can't** swim?! Aren't there like a ton of lakes at your home village?"_ The two boys looked at each other pretty desparated to find an excuse. Back in Marley, there were only old buildings and cobbled streets - no nature to match the one inside the walls. _"W-we never got the time to learn it, since we had to help on the farm"_  Berthold stuttered, afraid their cover would be blown up. _"Yeah",_ Reiner added, _"And at some point we didn't bother to catch up on it."_

 _"Oh, I see. Well, I always had to work hard too when I was little. But I somehow managed to have some fun sometimes, at last."_ You grinned at them with an anticipating look, suggesting _"So, next Saturday evening then, at **our place,** Reiner?" "W-what?!" "I'll show you guys how to swim! Don't worry, it'll be fun!"_

Berthold began to freak out immediately. _"N-no! We can't steal away! A-and I-I'll mess it up. I bet I'll drown!"_ You and Reiner simultaneously sighed. How can one boy contain so much anxiety? To calm him down, you hugged Berthold. _"It's okay. Me and Reiner are both there. Trust me, I'll keep an eye on you!"_

Since Berthold is never one that endures fighting back for too long, he gave in. You flustered something into Reiner's ear, and he seemed to approve of it, nodding confidently. Berthold asked himself what the two of you were planning behind his back, but didn't dare to ask.

When they arrived at the lake, the only thing to light up the dark night were the stars and the moon. As they climbed out the cliff to get to the lake, Reiner greeted you with his usual, hearty smile - but Berthold only forced out a quiet _"Hello"._ He still didn't like the idea, but you had just the **perfect** method to convince him to stay.

Since you got here a whole lot earlier, Berthold got curious. _"Did you walk all the way here alone? Aren't you afraid?" "Huh? Not really. And anyway, I didn't walk alone"_ you explained to him, yelling _"Hey! Where did you wander off to?"_ A grumpy voice replied _"I just checked for any wild animals or anyone following us. I'm coming."_

Berthold's eyes widened as he saw Annie of all people coming out of the woods. _"A-Annie?!" "Good evening"_ she said with her usual, cold undertone. _"So you did come, huh?"_ Reiner asked happily. She went past him as she answered, _"Well, I suppose it can be of use to know these perks. And **she** wouldn't leave me alone until I went with her."_

The overchallenged Berthold pulled you away from the others, whispering _"I can't do this! Not in front of her! I'm going home!"_ But you didn't back off. _"Oh? That's too bad, since I can't watch over both of them. What if she drowns and I'm too late -"_ That was a cheap trick, but Berthold fell for it obviously. Oh, he's too easily to manipulate. You need to take better care of him before others use him for bad things.

You simply wandered away, saying goodbye to Berthold, but he ran after you instantly.  _ **"Wait!** I changed my mind! I-I'm coming, too!" "That's great!"_ Reiner gave you a judging look, wondering what you've done to his friend. _"So...how do we start?"_ Reiner asked.

Both you and Annie didn't even listen to them and just started to undress yourselves. Berthold turned around and froze in amazement, while Reiner just stood there with an open mouth, a stream of blood running down his nose. _"Is everything all right, guys? You didn't think we'd swim in clothes, right? They'd become too heavy. Underwear will be enough."_

Reiner tried not to stare too obviously, but **damn.** That just wasn't fair. _"Are you alright, Reiner?"_ you said as you came closer to him. _"...Sure..."_ Since you felt how your face got warm from blushing, you tried to distract from your insecurity through teasing.  _So...Do you like what you see?"_ He avoided eye contact, answering _"I-I've seen a ton of girls already." "Oh, really? Who?"_ He wiped the blood away from his nose, blushing heavily himself. _"...Shut up."_

Berthold still stood there, covering his eyes and trembling a bit. Annie mumbled _"I know I'm not attractive, you don't need to be gentle. I'm not a sensitive girl."_ Hearing that, he instantly tried to defend her  _"Ahh! That's not true! You're **beauti -" "** Well, what does it matter" _she interrupted him, _"Just get done already."_

It took forever for Reiner to pull Berthold away from behind a big tree, because he was ashamed of his body. _"Why did you even invite those two?"_ Annie asked you. _"Well, they can't swim either. And they're my friends, after all!" "You have a really bad taste when it comes to your allies."_

 _"So, just lay your chest on my underarms and make the movements I showed you." "Aint I too heavy for that?" "You **actually** don't know things are lighter in water? Wow..."_  Curious for what the other two were doing, you turned around. _"Berthold, why don't you support Annie's chest while she practices? Just like this."_ Berthold got as red as a tomato, thinking he might faint from so much bodily contact - but Annie looked at him expectingly, so he held her in the water. They even talked casually for a bit. 

Reiner and you looked at each other satisfied, metaphorically patting your own backs - knowing that your plan had worked. Suddenly, Reiner lifted you up and threw you around his shulder. _"Let me go, you meanie!" "Well, if you insist"_ he chuckled before throwing you in the water. Both of you began a water battle, splashing water in each other's faces as you tried to jump on Reiner's back to make him fall. _"You know you barely even weight half of me"_ he said as he tried to get you down from his back. But to be honest, feeling your skin onto his made him feel all tingly on the inside.

_______________________________________________________

**[Anti-person training]**

_"Oh no. He's going to brag about what it means to be a soldier again"_ you thought as you saw Reiner blocking Annie's way. She was supposed to do the self-defense training with you, but she said she didn't want to and just wandered off.

 _"Reiner, leave her alone. Not everyone is here for the same reasons."_ But Reiner didn't want to listen, and after a short _"training lesson",_ he landed on the floor in a very uncomfortable position, right next to where Annie already had thrown Eren. You tied not to, but you **had** to laugh. _"Sorry, Reiner, but this look of yours is just too good!"_

 _"Do you want to **"train",** too?" "Rather not, Annie. I pass. But you had fun, didn't you?"_ Annie gave you a small, but subtle smirk. _"C'mon, [___]. Don't chicken out!",_ Reiner said.

 _"At least she knows when an enemie is too strong. If you stick with her you might not die like idiots who achieved nothing"_ Annie stated harshly before wandering off. _"Ugh. Why does she always have to be so mean?"_ Eren mumbled before Mikasa came and started to threaten Annie. Will this be a challenge? How exciting to see the both fighting!

As you helped Reiner back on to his feet, he rubbed his back to make the pain go away. You tried to defend her, saying _"Annie has a sharp tongue, but I think it's her way of telling that she's worried for you."_ Reiner looked at the floor, quite ashamed. But you held his hand as you cheered _"You're **amazing,** Reiner! Always fighting for your beliefs!" "Uh, I guess..."_ he whispered quite happily.

 _"What if we train together?"_ he suggested. _"You always let me win, i_ _t's no fun!" "Hehe, yeah. Sorry..."_ he mutters, thinking about how you actually kicked his butt the last few times.

___________________________________________________

**[A winter, during a snow-storm]**

_"They are still not back"_ you mumbled, worried about Ymir and Historia as you looked outside the window. The snow was already about half a metre high, and it didn't seem to stop snowing. _"But what should we do? We're advised to stay here",_ Jean answered.

Eren seemed to be on your side. All of them doing nothing made him pretty mad.  _"Of course this is coming from a coward like you, Jean."_ _**"Fuck you,** **Eren!** Do you want us all to freeze to death while searching for them?!" "I'd rather die while trying than just sitting here and **do nothing",**_ Eren yelled back. It ended in them screaming at and punching each other as usual.

You stood up from your chair, depressed about your situation. As you tried to leave the room, Reiner grabbed your wrists. _"Where do you think you're going?"_ he said with a very frightening voice. _"I'll go to search for them. Do not try to stop me",_ you answered without even do so much at looking at him.

 ** _"As if I'd let you do that!"_ ** he screamed desperately, leaving all the others to hold their breaths. He pulled you towards you and embraced you in a bonecrushing hug. _"Reiner, I can't breath..."_ you gasped. He apologized, loosening his grab.  _"Going alone won't change anything. Please just sit with us so we can think of a plan. **You're not alone** in this."_

Looking around you, you saw all your friends looking as worried as you. _"I'm sorry",_ you mumbled while holding your forehead, _"I'm so afraid to lose one of you again that I can't think objectively anymore." "Don't worry about it, [___]!"_ Connie cheered to encourage you. _"We just don't want another suicidal idiot in our group",_ Jean added while looking at Eren. _"You want another beat up, Jean?"_ And here they go again...

You started to laugh, a bit relieved. Reiner also rubbed your back to comfort you while you couldn't help but being grateful for getting to know these guys. He smiled at you, reassuring. _"We'll **definetly** find them."_

Half an hour later, you still didn't hear any news about them. It was too much for you to handle, but you promised Reiner to not do anything reckless. Suddenly, someone threw your mantle towards you - it was **him.** _"Let's go"_  he said without hesitation. Even Berthold seemed to be dead serious about it. _"But why now?" "Eren is about to wander off by himself. There's no reasoning with him, but if we go all together we may prevent him from dying. I wish you stayed here, though."_

He pat your head and then covered your neck with a big scarf. _"But if we all go we may accomplish something. You don't alway need to worry about me that much"_ you whispered, sulking a bit. _"But I do, sorry."_

Turning around, Reiner said something that made Berthold shiver, but you didn't quite understand. _"I'll keep you guys save - even if I have to use **that** power."_


	5. Please forgive me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A celebration that went out of hand.
> 
> Prepared for some angst? I sure am.

**[Year 850, at the training grounds]**

Time sure flies. At least when you are surrounded by the people you love. To say that all of your wounds have healed would be too much, but over those three years, you certainly grew to become stronger. As did the bounds to your comrades.

It was your last weekend as mere trainees. Soon you'd have to decide which troup you wanted to join - but that should be dealt with tomorrow. Tonight, all of you wanted to spend their time happily, as if it was their last night on earth.

While Mikasa and Armin seemed to just be happy to be close to Eren _(who himself was busy holding speeches and arguing with Jean),_ Annie sat alone in a corner again. You asked her to join you, as you were sitting with Reiner and Berthold. _"Sorry, but I'd rather decline."_ Somehow she seemed even more down than usually.

Reiner seemed to be very upset, but not about Annie. Well, he could **never** beat Berthold at chess. Out of pity, you stood behind Reiner, bowing over his head and moved a chess piece for him. **_"Checkmate"_ ** you teased Berthold, who began to sweat heavily as always. _"You're really the best [___]!"_ Reiner cheered while hugging you and lifting you up. _"Let me down you big dork!"_

He started to compliment you while gently putting your feet down to the ground again. _"But it's so amazing, you can analyze everything so perfectly!" "Not every situation, as it seems",_ Annie commented while passing your desk. _"What do you mean, Annie?"_ Reiner asked confused. _"Oh, nothing."_ You never got why she was the way she is, but you didn't want to push her into telling it either. _"Where are you going? Stay with us for a while!"_   you pleaded. _"Not interested. I'm going to sleep." "Oh, ok...Sleep well, then!" "Thanks. Enjoy the evening as long as it lasts."_ Why does she always need to be so negative?

Sasha and Connie were already performing weird dance moves, while Ymir was heavily flirting with Christa and insulted anyone who dared to come close to her. Usual day, you could say. After Marco gave up on stopping Eren and Jean from punching each other, he took a seat with you guys. "I sure am excited for our first mission on monday, you too?" _"It's military duty, why should I be excited?"_ you answered uninterested. Reiner aggreed with you. _"Yeah, we'll have to work on all the tasks our superiors feel too good for. But that's also a struggle a soldier has to deal with!"_

Berthold suddenly stood up, too. _"I-I hink Annie's right. I'm going to sleep now, sorry guys." "Oh no, not you too, Berthold."_ Reiner prevented you from digging any further, whispering into our ear. _"Psst...Maybe they meet up for some time..ya know...with just the two of them." **"Ohhh!** That would be so cute!"_

 _"Wait a second, Bert! I've still got something for you!" "Huh, for me?"_ he didn't even know what it was, but he was already scared because of his insecurity. You searched for the small pocket on your jacket and got 3 leather armbands out of it. _"I wattled them myself. I know it's kitschy, but I thought if we can't see each other again...we're always **connected** somehow."_ **Damn,** that sounded much better in your head. But both of the guys got brightly read, Reiner hugging you again and telling that you'd definetly meet again, **no matter what happens.**

 _"Look what we found in the store room!"_ Connie yelled proudly. Instead of the expected food, he and Sasha brought a crate full of alcohol into the room. Eren already felt nauseous just by thinking back of the flavour, when Hannes forced him to have a gulp when he was little. _"That's not really responsible. What if our superiors find out?"_  Reiner began to preach - but you already had the first bottle in your hand. _"This sure brings back memories. My family has had a tavern, you know?"_ They all seemed surprised, since you always avoided talking about your family.

 _"Now, don't look at me like that",_ you cheered, _"Let's have some fun! The evening is still going!"_

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

A few hours later and you were completely wasted. It was the first time you ever drank more than just a sip of alcohol, but the effect was quite funny to you.

You clung to Reiner's arm after you left the canteen room where the others were still celebrating. _"Reiner, let's go to **our place!"**_ you mumbled, already inable to walk in a straight line. Reiner was pretty drunk, too, but a stranger wouldn't notice. He still had almost perfect control over his body, so he picked you up and carried you bridal style. _"You'd trip if you walked through the forrest yourself."_

At a normal state, you would have been pretty embarassed and beat him until he lets you down, but for now, you just relaxed and rested your head on his chest, listening to his calming heartbeat. Reiner tried to keep his cool, but he was almost exploding out of excitement, especially because you kept on cuddling and complimenting him. _"You're so muscular, it's unfair"_ you blurted out as you slid your hand under his shirt. He forced himself to make a straight face, but his head was already as red as a tomato.

When you finally arrived at the lake, Reiner carefully lifted you to the ground - but you grabbed his shirt and pulled him over to you, so he'd fall and lay on top of you. _"What are you doing, [___]?" "Sorry, I can't really think clear any more." "It's no problem. I'll take care of you." "I know. You always do",_ you whispered, embracing him with an innocent smile on your face.

The urge to kiss you was so high at this moment - but you were drunk. It wouldn't be right, even though his mind was fogged as well. For a short moment, he hugged you tight, inhaling your scent before he sat down next to you.

He held his head as if he was having a headache, but the alcohol made all his surpressed memories emerge again. _"Reiner...are you okay?"_ you managed to get yourself up in a straight posture again, and crawled over to him.  _"Don't touch me!"_ he yelled with a frightened expression. When seeing how shocked you were, he immediately took both of your hands and apologized for getting loud. Interwining your hands with his, you felt how strongly he was shaking.

It wasn't the first time Reiner was like this. Most people didn't notice, since they weren't this close to him and he was a pretty good actor, but sometimes he'd just forget some memories - or rather he chose to forget them. You thought it was a coping mechanism to deal with his emotional trauma. But it made you sad every time when the usual positive, encouraging Reiner changed into a much more **darker** person. Every time it happened, you felt kind of helpless. And this time it's even worse than all the times before.

All of sudden he just collapsed into your arms, starting to cry uncontrollably. _"I'm so sorry, [___]! Please forgive me!" "For what, Reiner? Yelling at me? It's no big deal, really -" **"NO!"**_ Suddenly his voice changed from yelling into whimpering. _"For causing you so much **pain!** I am such a horrible person. I deserve to **die -"**_ That was enough for you to slap him.

 _"What the hell are you even talking about?! You're the only reason I'm still alive!"_ Reiner looked up to you in disbelief, while you held his face into your hands, trying to surpress the lump in your throat. _"I...had nothing to live for after my family died. But meeting you made me experience **happiness** again. I feel **at**   **home**  being with you. So please - don't say you deserve to die! I don't want that!" _you said, while tears began to run down your face, too.

 _"You don't understand, [___], I  am the Arm-"_ you interrupted him again - this time with a long, soft kiss on his lips. When your faces separated again he was completely speechless, but you just tried to hold your body in place while giving him a happy smile.

For a while, Reiner would just lay on your lap while still shaking as hell. You pet his head, making him finally calm down a bit. Well, you **all** had your terrible memories of back then. And you all had to deal with it your own way. Something sure isn't right with him, but you'd help him **\- the man you fell in love with.**

 _"You know"_ you began, _**"I once killed a man."**_ Reiner opened his eyes again, but remained calm. Even though he had a stong sense for duty and justice, he didn't seem to be mad. He just looked at you and wanted to listen to what you got to say. _"I tried to steal some apples from him and he was faster than me. In a dark alley, he wanted to beat me to death. He gave me a good kick to the head, so my vision already was blurry - but I was able to grab a broken glass bottle and...you can think what I did. I didn't want to. But it happened."_

 _"Why are you telling me this?" "Why, I wonder? Probably because I want to say that we all did horrible things to survive in this cruel world"_ you said, before adding _"But it could also be because I'm still drunk",_ giggling a bit. Reiner forced himself to laugh, too - for your sake. But in reality, this story only made him feel even worse about what he had done to your life. He destroyed it, and destroyed an innocent girl.

He hugged you deeply before picking you up again, carrying you back to your dorm. When you arrived at your room, Annie wasn't there, even though it was already early morning - but you didn't think too much about it, since everything was spinning in your head. He gently placed you on your bed and wanted to go, when you held onto his arm.

 _"Reineeer, please stay here. I feel horrible." "What, but..I..."_ He wanted to resist, but your big, shining eyes made him accept. He sat down on the edge of the bed, yawning as he covered you in your blanket. _"Don't you want to sleep, too?" "I can wait until you fell asleep."_ You had to roll your eyes about him not taking a hint. _"C'mon, lie down. The bed is big enough." "I can't do that, [___], you're drunk!"_ You poked his forehead, laughing _"I didn't say we should do something naughty, you pervert!"_ His head started to glow bright red again as he joined you.

Lying as far away from you as he could, he had a hard time to fall asleep, since he had to think of what happened earlier. What if you noticed? You were already fast asleep, so...

He turned around and jumped onto you, as he struggled with himself to slowly get his hands on your throat. Just before he got to touch your neck, you woke up, not understanding the situation at all. You calmly touched his cheek with your hand as you smiled at him, sleepy asking _" Why are you lying on top of me?" "I...I...sorry." "Ugh, just sleep already, you creep." "She really is way too naive, letting her guard down like this",_ he thought.

When he lay down next to you again, you immediately turned around and fell asleep again. What was he thinking? Too many feelings were mixed up inside of him all the time, but he was sure of one thing **\- he loved you.**

 _"I'm such a hypocrite",_ he thought as he began to silently cry again to not wake you up. _**"Why** does it have to be love? **Why** do I feel so attracted to a person whose life I destroyed? I don't even deserve to be this close to her."_

What should he do? He wanted to be around you, to protect you and care for you. But on the other hand, you were his **enemy.** You are doomed to one day die by his hands **\- no.** He doesn't want that to happen!

Even though he couldn't stand the temptation of wanting to be closer to you, even though he was afraid that he might try to kill you again if he loses control, **even** though he knows there's no future being with you **\- he couldn't leave you.** The last thing he thought about before falling asleep were simple, but true words: _"I am so selfish..."_

________________________________________________________________

On the next morning, you awaked through feeling something hard poking your waist. You needed a moment or two to realize your situation, but Reiner was spooning you right now. Then the thing poking you is...

 _ **"REINER!"** _ you screamed as you fell out of the bed, landing on your back. Waking up and realizing he cuddled up onto you when he slept, he instantly jumped towards you, holding you in his arms and worrying if you hurt yourself. " _[___]! Are you okay?" "Ouch. Please, decrease your volume. My head hurts." "Sorry" he whispered. "So...what happened yesterday, exactly?"_

Becoming all flustered, he started yelling again _**"NOTHING,** I swear!"_ At that very moment, all the girls from the female only barrack came to your aid and started yelling too. **Sigh...**

 _"[___]! We heared you screaming! Is everything -"_ Sasha stopped her question and changed her expression from worried to obviously judging Reiner. _"Reiner..."_ Historia began to ask, threatening. _"What are you doing here?"_

His head was already brightly red _"I'ts not what it looks like! Really!"_ The girls weren't really interested in excuses, so they already began to throw everything they could at the boy. _"Get out of here, you pervert!"_

The only one laughing her ass off was Ymir. _"I knew he was **that** kind of guy!" "He isn't"_ you mumbled, blushing yourself as you covered your head with the blanket. All of the girls stared at you in shock. _""Did you two..." **"No!** And now leave me alone, I think I'm going to puke every moment..."_

__________________________________________________________________________

Much later that morning, you joined everyone at the canteen room. Reiner and Berthold sat alone, all the girls avoiding him and giving him an angry look from time to time. You took a loaf of bread and casually sat down next to him. _"Hey, how are you guys doing?"_ you asked, trying to keep the food inside of your stomach. _"Aren't you mad?" "Why should I?"_

 _"So you can't remember anything at all?!" "Nope, nothing."_ Reiner immediately had to think back about you kissing him, but kept quiet about it. _"Then how do you know I didn't do something bad?"_ Your face relaxed and you smiled at him as brightly as ever.

_"That's easy, Reiner. **I trust you!"**_

 


	6. Guilt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Misery seems to haunt you.
> 
> It should be the beginning of something new, but your past has caught up with you once again.  
> Are you still as powerless as back then?

Since you spend your whole Sunday struggling with your hangover, you went to bed early and got up before anyone else. Watching the sunrise while doing some streches, you felt at ease. **This would be a good day,** you knew it. This should be your last day as one of the Training Corps, before you were finally free to chase your dream.

Taking a deep breath, you enjoyed the scent of the nature you'll soon be missing when you're working right on top of the walls.  _"It was hard, but all in all, it was a good time..."_  you thought as you embraced the upcoming day, some positive memories of the past 3 years coming to mind.

Suddenly, someone covered your eyes. The scent was too familiar:  _"Good morning, Reiner!"_

 _"Huh...You're no fun"_ he sulked as he hugged you from behind. You enjoyed the moment - just standing there and forgetting all the problems of the world, before freeing yourself from his embrace and turning around.

 _"Why are you awake this early?"_  you asked him with a bright smile on your face.  _"You're one to talk. I just couldn't sleep",_ he answered. It looked like he was calm and collected, but his aura told you that something was troubling him. Is he just nervous? That's not possible for someone like him. Maybe you're just worrying too much.

 _"I'm so proud that you became second place of the top ten! You surely deserved it!"_  Your compliments were always welcome.  _"You think so? Hehe, of course. A **true** soldier can achieve anything if he wants!"_  For a while, he bathed in your attention, before noticing something.  _"That reminds me: You weren't in the top 10 at all. That's **impossible!"**_

He knew the answer already, but it seemed like it just didn't get into his head.  _"I talked to Shadis. There's no reason for me to be in the top 10 if the Survey Corps are accepting **anyone**  into their lines at this point!"_ The cheering way you were saying this hurt Reiner. How could you be talking about this dangerous decision so carefree?

 _"So you're still serious about this." "I know you want to join the Military Police together with Berthold and Annie, but we can still meet each other from time to time. Right?"_  Reiner looked to the ground, his hands stuffed into his pockets. _"You should be proud of being so brave."_  You held his hand firmly, saying  _"I know you're worried. But I'll definetly come back! I promise!"_ He leaned over the wooden fence, looking to the distance. _"Let's better change the topic..."_

 _"Don't you want to just call in sick today?"_  he asked all out of the blue. _"Huh? Why should I?" "I just mean...We're just doing the shit work today. It'll be boring. Why not just stay here and wait until the entrance ceremony starts tomorrow?"_

You sighed.  _"Reiner, you're an open book. How often did I tell you I don't need a babysitter? Besides, we're working in the same group, aren't we? So make sure to protect me, **my hero!"**  "Don't mock me"_ he stuttered, not knowing how to react. You'resuch a blockhead. He just doesn't want you to get dragged into what will  **happen**  today. But if he keeps on trying to find excuses for you to stay here, his behaviour would become too suspicious.

______________________________________________

You were on the east side of the wall that surrounded the Trost district, just carrying some barrels.  _ **"My back...** damn, I should've passed today like Reiner said", _you thought. Reiner carried 3 chest at one time, asking himelf if he should offer his help- or if it would make you mad again. But your look told him to let you do this on your own. At least both of you were together, so it was still fun. Reiner's stupid jokes would brighten up every day.

 _"By the way, Reiner. Have you seen Berthold and Annie?" "Uh, I think they went to visit Eren and the others at the north of wall Rose"_  he mumbled. In reality, they were probably already preparing for **it.** Annie was pretty mad that Reiner didn't got you to stay away, so he would have to separate from in the chaos after Berthold kicks in the wall - and do his part with the inner gate.

 _"And leaving us alone with all the work?!"_  After a second, you began to grin knowingly.  _"They need time for **themselves**  again, huh?"_ Reiner didn't look at you the whole time during your talk.  _"Could be, yeah..."_

Your heart stopped the exact second you heared the thunder. Why, though? After all, you overcame getting flashbacks at thunderstorms. Maybe it was because you realized it right away: It couldn't be. The sky was as clear as... **back then.**

Turning around, you got blinded by a bright lightning when Reiner stepped in front of you, as if he was trying to shield you with his body. He was so tall that you couldn't see what was happening, but you already knew. **They are back.**

 _"Reiner..." "I know. We need to get back to the headquarters immediately!"_  he yelled as he threw you over his shoulder and jumped down the wall to use the 3D maneuver gear. You couldn't tell him to put you down, since you had to collect all of your strenght to pull yourself together as you watched the scenario from 5 years ago repeat itself.

_______________________________________________

Your superiors held a long speech about what's about to happen and what the trainee's role was in their plan, without hiding the terrible truth. Summarized, the freshly graduated trainees should fight the titans off at the front lines, while the experts evacuate the townsfolk. Yet all of the higher-ranked soldiers would flee long before that...

The man on the podest kept on talking, but you couldn't understand much of what he said. Standing still in shock, you didn't even felt the tears running down your cheeks. Your whole body felt so numb right now. The one getting you back to earth was Reiner, taking your hand as he stood besides you.

 _"The titans are invading as we speak. So the mission starts immediately. You'll work in the teams you were already assigned to.Deserters will be punished with execution. **Offer your hearts!"**_ After everyone split up, you saw the terror on the faces of many trainees. Your legs just wouldn't work anymore, and you broke down on the ground. Reiner came back to your aid, pressing you strongly against him. _"It's okay. I'm here."_

What do you have to lose, now that you have to face that horror again? But wasn't this what you wanted? To fight? To **protect?** Maybe you didn't process it as well as you thought you did. Maybe you weren't ready. But now it's **too late.**

You started to scream at Reiner, even though you felt bad for directing your feelings against him. _"But what should we do?! We can't save all those people! I can't stand it anymore, Reiner. Soon, the Armored Titan will come and break through wall Rose. Then humanity is **doomed!"**_ Reiner didn't stop looking into your eyes as you went on, even though it hurt him like nothing else ever could. _"What did we do to deserve this?"_ you whimpered. _"Why can't they stop tormenting us?"_

Reiner's expression was desparate, yet also furious. He was completely torn between his mission and the people inside of the walls he learned to love. It ended up in him becoming completely oblivious about the truth. He surpressed his warrior's drive completely - yet a small amount of his subconsciousness was still very aware of what he was.

He grind his teeth as he chose his side: _"Don't worry. The Armored Titan won't come this time. **I promise."**_

_________________________________________________

It was hard, but Reiner gave you the courage to face your fears. Together, you cleared out as many titans as you could before they'd reach the civilains. You felt like nothing could stop the two of you.

On your patrol, you ran into Berthold, who seemed pretty shocked about Reiner being at the gates, protecting the people. He told you that when he saw the Colossal Titan on his way to Eren's squad, he immediately retreated and looked for you. Annie joined you a short time later, not caring to excuse herself.

After all civilians were rescued, you were given the order to retreat - at the exact moment your gas wouldn't last long enough to climb up the wall. You met Armin and the others, but he told you his whole squad had been obliterated. The horror didn't seem to end.

Seeing all of your friends shivering up in terror was hard enough, but you couldn't encourage them to hold through. Reiner promised you that he'd protect you to his dying breath, but you didn't want to hear such a stupid thing. Enough people died today - and you didn't want it to becoma any more.

Luckily, Mikasa was a better motivational boost than you, even though her speeches were terrible. Being with her rose your survival chance, after all. As you were jumping over the buildings, trying to waste as little gas as possible, you tried to get a tunnel vision to ignore the death around you. You obviously knew that there will be more of your comrades dying, and you knew you couldn't change that fact.

But a scream directly next to you attracted your attention: It was one of the soldiers that graduated a year before you - trapped in a titan's hand. _"Let him go!"_ you screamed, cutting the titan's fingers in half. The young man fell to the ground and used his 3D maneuver gear to escape, but the titan grabbed you with his other hand. It squeezed you so hard that you thought your ribs would break at any moment, making you puke your guts out.

Your vision already darkened, as you held your hand in the air as your lips mimicked the only thing that came to your mind as you thought you'd die: _"Reiner..."_

 **You're alive,** or at least, you're still existing. When you woke up, you were already on wall Rose again. Sasha told you that Reiner killed the titan holding you and carried you this whole time. He didn't want to talk about it, since he said it's only natural to save your friends - but you couldn't help but feel that Reiner's your **knight in a shining armor...**

Many didn't make it, but as you heared that Armin had a successful plan to fill up your gas and get as many of you out alive, you felt relieved. Yet your mood quickly changed into crippling sadness. Which one of your friends didn't make it? Soon, you should find out.

It was Jean interupting your thought process. _"[___], we're going to the gathering place. Won't you come too, already?"_ , he asked. _"No, I'll just stay there a little longer, thanks." "You weirdo...stop torturing yourself."_ Jean tells it as it is, but you just can't stop looking at how the titans invade the Trost district.

Reiner bowed down to your height, laying his arm around your shoulder. "Let's go already" he said calmly, while offering you a hand to help you up. "I am afraid to go there. Or rather, to see who didn't make it until there." Annie didn't move a muscle as you said this, and Berthold looked pretty beaten down, too. Sometimes you thought what you saw in their faces wasn't just sadness or worry - it was **guilt.**

There was no time to recover or mourn the fallen. As soon as you and the others arrived at the gathering place, Reiner came up to _"[___], would it be okay if you went with the others? Annie, Berthold and I have something to talk abo -"_   Another struck of lightning, but this time from inside of wall Rose. **What?** **How?**

You couldn't stand it anymore. Was it the Armored Titan? Jumping up from your position, you ran in the direction of the thunder - you just **had** to know. Reiner had exactly the same idea, flying through the air and landing on the closest rooftop available.

What the hell is that? You already judged the guys for joking at times like these - but it was the truth. Eren came out of a titan's body. Was he eaten? No - you already knew the answer. But is this even possible? A human controlling the body of a titan? Thinking of it, the bodies of Eren, the Armored Titan and the Collosal Titan were way less unproportional than the usual ones. Does that mean...

 _"[___]."_ Reiner looked at you with concern, and a bit of distrust. _"I-I'm fine, Reiner." "Better go back to the gathering point and drink some water." "But I -" "Go. **Now."**_ His voice was somewhat threatening to you - nothing like his usual self. You chose to let him be for the moment - he's probably as shattered about the situation as everyone else.

The horror didn't stop. Of course you were ordered to keep quiet about what you saw, but how could you?! Eren can transform into a titan! Is he a **traitor?** Is he one of the **beasts** to try and erase your race from the face of this earth? It makes no sense **\- he despises them!** He couldn't have lied! You knew Armin your whole life long, he always talked about Eren. It's just impossible. But why can he summoun a titan's body? Everything made your head hurt.

Actually, you wanted to talk to Reiner about your theory, but immediately after everything, the plan to recover Trost was announced. It was a crazy plan - but it might be the only one that could actually work. A 1% chance of success is better than 0%, isn't it like that?

Didn't you swear to offer your live to save others? No matter how much you neglect the thought of going back there - you needed to believe in Eren **\- in all of your comrades!**


	7. Don't leave me alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What is Reiner hiding?  
> A fateful night occurs in midst of the war that had only begun.
> 
> Trigger: Contains a fair amount of angst, a suicide attempt and explicit NSFW.

You learned about the true terrors of this war.

On that day, it felt like another piece of yourself died inside of you - together with your comrades. But you had achieved victory, even if just a small one. Wall Rose has not been breached, and the Armored Titan never showed up for some reason.

Thanks to Eren, the Trost district could be recaptured - but no one had seen him ever since then. Armin told you that the Survey Corps apparently took care of him, and that they'd decide how to progress with his mysterious power. But closer details weren't available to the public.

Here were you again: **The training grounds.** You thought you'd never see this place again, but the authorities decided give your class a shelter here until the entrance ceremony.

It was unusually quiet. Everyone stared down on their desks without making any sound- to a point where you couldn't stand it anymore. You jumped up from your desk and left your friends alone with their memories - because you had to fight your own ones.

 _"It's already cold outside, [___]"_ Reiner said, swinging his jacket over your shoulders. _"Thanks, Reiner."_ He struggled with finding his words, but he could only bring out an awkward _"You know... **I'm glad you didn't die."**_ You looked up to the tall man who happened to be way too close to you again, and forced yourself to smile. _"I'm glad that you're still here, too. **I wouldn't know what I'd do without you."**_

After a while of silence, the cold air whipping against your skin, you just let out all of your bottled up emotions. _"I'm sorry, Reiner. I always say that I'm strong and can handle things myself - but in the end, I'm always the one crying.""It's okay to be sad. We all are",_ he answers, his strong arms holding you tight as you broke out in tears.

 _"I wish I was as strong as you, Reiner." "You are far stronger than me, I think. You still move forwards, trying to shape your own destiny. No matter what happens. How should I put it...When I'm with you, I can forget about **my past."**_ Hugging him back and feeling his warmth, you wiped away your tears. _"Lets get back in. Maybe your stupid puns will make them lighten up a little." "Hey, I have high quality humor!"_ he answers offended.

On your way back, you saw Jean sitting on the ground next to one of the barracks, his back leaning against the wooden wall. He appeared to be crying, too. His empty stare reminded Reiner about how you were back then - at the refugee camp. Reiner wanted to talk to him, but you pulled him back, shaking your head and placing your index finger onto your lips. When the two of you got to a save distance where no one could hear you, he wanted answers.

 _"Why didn't you let me talk to him?" "He needs time, Reiner. Marco's death has hit him pretty hard. Truth be told, us all..."_ Reiner's irises widened as he heared Marco's name. He began to breath heavily and fell on his knees, holding his stomach before he vomited. _"Reiner, **look at me!** It's all right!",_ you said affectionate as you rubbed his back. During the mission, you got split up into different teams since he was in the top 10, so you were worried about what he had seen this whole time. _"I'm sorry. That's why I didn't want you to talk to him. I know you liked Marco pretty much, and it seemed like you finally got a hold of yourself, but..."_

 _"Right...Marco **died.** I had... **forgotten."**_ Seeing Reiner like this made your heart split in two. He couldn't contain all his emotions at this moment. Hastily, he pulled you over to him, almost pressing all the air out of your lungs through the strenght of his hug. _"Please, **don't ever leave me alone!"**_ he cried out desparately. You carefully placed your hand onto his heart as he let you loose again. _**"I won't.** Don't worry."_

______________________________________________

Reiner assured you that everything was alright again, yet you coudn't stop worrying about him. You rolled from one side of the bed to the other, not being able to get any rest. Thinking back at your first day of training, you felt the need to go to yours and Reiner's spot at the lake - clearing your head from all that had happened. At first you wondered if you should go to his room and wake Reiner up, since it'll be the last time seeing him before your ways part into different units. BUt you ended up thinking it was better if he gets some rest.

Yet, when you arrived there, you had to see another, terrifying scene. Reiner was kneeling on the ground of your usual spot at the top of the cliff, holding one of the 3D maneuver gear's blades in the air - it's point facing his guts.*

You screamed his name - screamed to your hearts content as loud as you could while you ran over to him. Falling on your knees in front of him you tried to pull the blade out of his hand, but his grap was just too strong. _"Reiner, don't!" "Go **away!"**_ he yelled, desparate to finish what he started. Not being able to hinder him, you clutched the blade instead of the grip, leaving your fingers to bleed -and him to let go off of it.

Slapping him and then instantly embracing the boy, pressing his head to your chest, you cried out _**"What do you think you're doing,** you idiot?!" "[___], you understand **nothing!"** _ he answered with an angry voice. _"No one can understand!"_

_"Because you never say anything! **Please,** just talk to me! I want to help you, Reiner!" "You can't! And you shouldn't! I am a horrible person! I decieved everything, [___]. All those 3 years, and even before, I pretended to be someone I'm not. Because I wanted to be a **hero** for peple. I just wanted to be **respected.** And because of that, I hurt other people to the point of no repair! I can **never** redeem myself...those **sins** will **forever** be carved into my soul!"_

_"I don't know what you're talking about, Reiner",_ you whispered with a crack in your voice. _"I never do. What actions do you mean? I know you're not what you pretend to be. You always act like a big brother to everyone - fearless, manly and always a big sunshine. But you're actually a softie. You're afraid and sad and broken, but still kind and loving." **"Stop",**_ he whimpered, but you kept on talking: _"The Reiner I know is a straightforward, honest person who always puts others in front of himself -" **"Shut your mouth!"**_ he yelled with the last bit of his strenght.

How affectionate you talked about him made his heart burn even more. He just wanted this pain to stop. _"I shouldn't even be close to you in the first place." "Shouldn't that be up for **me** to decide?" "Sure, but not if you don't know everything!" "I told you so many times: **Just tell it to me,** then! What should I know? **No matter what you did, I will stay at your side.** I promised you back then, didn't I?"_

Reiner's mouth was already opened, but the words just wouldn't come out. He was too afraid of what would happen if he confessed everything. Not just for himself, but the consequences it would have for Berthold and Annie. _"I'm such a coward..."_ he thought, keeping quiet about his secret.

 ** _"...I knew it."_ ** You were so angry, you just wanted to walk away. Was your friendship really worth **nothing?** Doesn't he trust you? Was there nothing you could do? But you were too afraid of what he'd do if you were to walk away right now.

You pushed him away from you, feeling like you couldn't breathe. _"Please, Reiner...",_ you whispered as you gasped for air, _ **"Don't leave me alone.** Not you too!"_ Reiner struggled to breath himself, the limp in his throat keeping him from talking. He **hated** himself so much. Why did he always have to hurt you? Was he really just born into this world to bring pain to innocent people?

Starting to touch your face, his thumb stroking your trembling lips, he couldn't hold back anymore. He knew he shouldn't be doing this, but he wanted to see you smile again. Hastily pressing his lips onto yours, he gave you a long, intense - yet soft and gentle kiss.

You looked at him in disbelief, while he breathed out a quiet _"Sorry"._ Unable to think anymore, you kissed him back. Was it right or wrong? It didn't matter right now.

_________________________________________________________________________

**[If you don't want to read explicit NSFW just scroll to the next cut.]**

Both of you just wanted to make the ache in your hearts go away - **no matter what.** As you felt his firmly touch under your shirt, you knew there was no going back anymore. Both undressing each other, you were aware that it'd be a long night.

Reiner moaned as you started to kiss his neck, passionately grabbing your waist and pulling you over to him. Sitting on his lap, you could feel his warm skin as your naked bodies touched each other.

He was afraid to hurt you, since every part of his body was pretty big. So he was very careful this whole time, gently stroking and kissing every inch of your body as he worked his way down on you. It didn't take much foreplay since you never thought you could get this wet, but he enjoyed tasting you. Even though it was his first time, too, he was pretty talented in using his long tongue and fingers, just moving them on instinct. You couldn't take it any longer - you wanted more. _"Reiner... **I want you"**_ you whispered.

Laying on his back, he wanted you to start and look if you could take him. Making him thrust in slowly, you felt how he filled you up completely. You started to insecurely move your hips back and forth, as Reiner protectively observed every reaction of you. His big hands covering your breasts and stroking them, you let out a ecstatically moan.

Hearing you growl made his mind going completely blank. He grabbed your hips and started moving his own, too, to thrust in deeper. As you fell forwards in extasy, Reiner sucked on your breasts. You felt your body craving for more as Reiner switched placed with you. Every pleasured sound you made, made him only go harder.

You scratched his back as he got wilder and wilder, until you couldn't take it anymore. ** _"I love you, Reiner"_** you cried out before groaning again. Those words alone could make him climax just shortly after you, hugging you firmly as he let out a deep moan and released inside.

After the two of you finished, Reiner stayed in this position for a short moment - your foreheads touching as both of you gasped heavily - your breath clearly visible as white fog. Reiner was sweaty, but you didn't mind and cuddled up to him. He offered you his shirt as he proceeded to kiss you many times - you thought he'd never let go of you.

Both of you wished that this moment could last forever - both freed from your curses as you lay on the ground, as close as never before.

___________________________________________________________________

 **"I love you too, [___]."** It was too late now. He couldn't revoke what just happened. What has said had been said and what's done had been done. To be honest, he couldn't hate himself any more, so he could as well go for all of it. All there was left for him was to accept it and trying to do his best **\- for your sake.**

As you lay next to Reiner, your head on his chest as you felt his heartbeat, you felt safe. It was like when he held you, nothing bad could ever happen to you again. Staring at the starry sky, you began to punder. _"You know, sometimes I wish I could just run away. But where too? Outside these walls are titans, and I feel like I can't live inside these walls either."_

He looked at you while gently petting your head, remembering that there were many countries out there who weren't connected to Marley. How often did he ask himself if he should just run away from all of this, taking on a new identity and forget about his past? _"But we could try, couldn't we? Running away, I mean. Trying to get somewhere far away from **...everything."**_

 _"That's stupid, Reiner. I wished it was possible, though...but I feel like we can't run away from fate."_ She's right. He already stained his hands with blood - the blood of the innocent. And the slaughter will continue, even without him. All he could do was to succeed with his mission and trying to set everything right, even though he wasn't even sure it was the right thing to do. But he knew he was selfish, that is. He wanted to save his friends, his family - and you, from their terrible fate. Yet deep inside he was afraid he could only choose one **\- or he'd lose it all.**

_"Yeah, sadly, I think you're right. I already know I'm a short-lived killer anyway." "You're talking nonsense again. I hope at least for the short-lived."_

___________________________________________________________________

Before the next morning began, the two of you would sneak inside of your barracks again. As your ways parted, Reiner engaged in another kiss - at that moment, you could still forget about your duty as a soldier once again.

He turned around one last time, looking after you as you went your way. Then you stopped, turning around too and repeating your promise to him _"I won't leave you - no matter what. **I' will definetly come back to you,** Reiner!"_ His eyes finally shined again as he gave you his old, cheering smile.

The boy smiled lovestruck the whole time, even when opening the door to his sleeping room. Berthold was already wide awake, cowering in a corner and looking at Reiner distrustfully. "Where have you been?" he asked.

 _"Oh? I just went for a walk, thats all"_ the big man said as he jumped into his bed, his face buried into his pillow as he felt how he still blushed thinking back about this night. _"And why are you awake already?"_

Berthold looked to the ground as he tried to hold back his tears. _"I...just couldn't sleep. No matter what, every time I close my eyes, I see it. The collapsing buildings, the blood, the corpses. I hear those innocent people scream, Reiner. Our friends cry. And Marco -"_

Reiner was concerned for his friend, so he cross-legged next to him, his hands pressed on his knees. _"Bert, you're overthinking this too hard. What could you have done? You're not the one at fault here." "Reiner... **what do you mean?"**  _

_"Well, it's not like you kicked the wall in or something. We're giving it our best as soldiers, but we're rookies. It's only natural that you're all troubled. But you did your best to save everyone, didn't you?"_

It hurt so much to see his friend like this. How he smiled at Berthold so innocent and encouraging just made his guilt grow. As Reiner helped him back on his feet, he wanted to say somethin, yell at him even to get back to his senses. Asking if he had lost his mind - but Reiner was happy pretending to be a soldier.

A thousand times Berthold tried to convince Reiner how worried he was that this "soldier play" of his would become way too...convincing. It consumed more of his time and passion than it should. But Reiner would always make up excuses like _"It's just part of the play"_ or _"She could be a double agent for us if I convince her"_ to justify himself.

Should he report this to Annie? That the warrior's leader has gone insane? But he never dared to speak to Annie, anyway. Even though he needed someone to talk to so much, and even though Reiner was the only one who could possibly understand his pain - he didn't want Reiner to remember. He should be happy for **as long as he could.**

 _"Yeah...you're right. **Let's do our best, Reiner";** _ he wimpered. _"Our best to get back home"_ he added later, but Reiner was already fast asleep.

_____________________________________________________________________

_*In the Manga, it is stated that a titan shifter's body won't be able to regenerate if he has no will to live (chapter 103)._


	8. Moving onwards

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ever since that night, something changed between you and Reiner.
> 
> Was it for the better - or would it make things only more complicated?

It was the evening of the entrance ceremony.

The whole time since yesterday evening, Reiner and you didn't talk a word. But when you stood by the fire as you watched the bodies of your comrades getting turned into ash, he was there for you, holding you until the flame faded. All of your fallen comrades had been buried and the people in the Trost district would start to collect the pieces of what was once their home: You all proceeded with your lives as best as you could.

Erwin's speech was flawless. He didn't sugarcoat anything - rather telling it straight as it is. Yet he was also inspiring, strenghtening your wish to fight for the freedom of humanity. When he told the ones who didn't wish to join to go, you pressed your eyes together, biting your lip as you wanted to stay strong. Opening your eyes again and turning around, you saw your comrades **\- all of them.** Even though they were as terryfied as you, trembling in fear of what's to come, they faced their fears and stayed. **_"Guys..."_**

After the salute, you ran over to your lover. _"Reiner! Why are you still here?"_ He smirked while lifting you up happily. _"Well...I can't leave my **girlfriend** all alone out there, can't I?" "B-but...risking your life just for me? You can't do that, I'd feel horri -" "Well, lets just say this wasn't my **only** motive. But you don't need to worry - I am following **my own plans." "** Okay, I'm glad to hear that" _you mumbled, wondering what was important enough to put your life on the line for it.

Soon, the others would join you. Of course you needed to bully them. _"And you guys told me **I** was the suicidal idiot. Yet you're all here!"_ They looked as if they were just about to realize what decision they just made. _"Stupidity seems to be contagious",_ Jean mumbled. _"Even **you?!** I'm so proud of you, Jean! I knew you weren't just a selfish asshat!" "What?! You little -"_ Jean wanted to pick up a fight, but just a look from Reiner was enough to back off.

Seeing Berthold, you rose your eyebrow. _"Berthold? You too?"_ The boy became flustered as always, not liking to be the centre of attention. _"Yeah...you could say, **Eren** has inspired me to join them." **"Us all!"**_ Connie yelled. _"I don't know if I should say I'm glad or sad that you all are here..."_ you said, trying to force a smile.

Arriving at the location, you finally met Eren again. Of course he couldn't believe that you all had joined the Survey Corps. Reiner seemed a bit uneasy to see him for some reason - probably because he didn't know yet that Marcel had died in the fight of Trost.

While Jean and the others began to bombard Eren with questions and reproaches, Reiner, Berthold and you just sat there, quiet. You listened closely to his explanations, since Eren's power was the last hope of humanity- but it also made you worry even more about what the future will bring.

_____________________________________________________________

The next morning, you'd all meet up one last time before the mission outside the walls would begin. _"Please, be safe you all!", Historia begged with her kind, caring voice. "Yeah. You all better not be dead at the end of the day!"_ Jean added. Well, now's still the time to brag around - but how long will it last before you'd get down to reality again?

Everyone was here - except for Reiner and Berthold. Did they oversleep, on such an important day? Weird...

Suddenly, you heared someone call your name. It was Reiner, hastily running over to you. _"I'm sorry we're so late, guys!" "Where have you been?"_ Ymir asked, _"Plotting something?""Well, we had something to talk about. But that's nothing big. The important thing is..."_ Reiner pundered as he bow down to you and gave you an intense kiss. You were a bit overwhelmed by this sudden public love declaration, so your eyes were open the whole time during the kiss.

Everyone's jawlines dropped as you pushed him away.  _"Reiner... **What was that?"**_ you asked as you tried to cover your head into your hands so they wouldn't see how you're blushing. _"Well, it could as well be the last time we are all together, so I thought it would be a good moment to make it public, wouldn't it?"_

Armin was the first one to dig deeper. _"So...You're a **couple?" "Of course we are!",**_ your airhead cheered happily. _**"We are?"** _ you asked him a bit confused. _"You wouldn't even properly talk to me since last night..."_

 ** _"LAST NIGHT?"_ ** Ymir blurted out, already crying from laughter. _"Oh my god, are you kidding?! This is too good!"_   **Oh, damn...** Reiner and you stood surrounded by your friends who seemed to be very amused about the whole scenery. At least the two of you lightened up the mood a bit before the big mission, huh...

 _"I'm so happy for you!"_ Historia cheered. _"Isn't that much of a surprise, honestly",_ Sasha added, _"Since you already sticked together this whole time."_ You were so embarassed, you wanted to disappear from the face of the earth right at this moment. But Reiner seemed happy about it, scratching his head and snickering at all those comments your friends made.

The only one who seemed even more let down than before was Berthold. _"Reiner...Is this true?" "Yeah!"_ he answered, patting the back of his friend. _"Oh...I'm glad for you, then."_ This whole time, you were the biggest obstacle for Berthold to finish his mission with Reiner. Even without you, Reiner's mental state was broken enough - but now acting as if you were lovers...How would that affect their mission?

Walking past his friend, Berthold said one sentence that made Reiner freeze in shock, yet Berthold seemed relieved when he realized Reiner's warrior personality finally hadtaken control again.  _"Well, then let's give our best to **return home,** Reiner. As proud **warriors."** _ Reiner stared at the void for a few seconds before shaking his head. _"Yeah...Don't worry. **I'll fullfill my duty."**  _

 _"You both sure will!"_ you commented while giving Berthold a goodbye-hug, _"So don't you dare to get injured, Bertl!"_ He showed a little smile, just for you, as he mounted his horse. _"Thanks, [___]. I hope you don't get dragged into something bad."_

Reiner's mood had changed again - he seemed somewhat troubled. _"C'mon, Reiner. We're the last ones, we'll be too late!" you said, pulling on his arm."Yeah..."_ he whispered as he hugged you one last time. _"Don't worry. **I won't let anything happen to you!"** "You all act like it's already written down that something bad happens..."_ you mumbled, giving him a kiss on his cheek.

_"Well then, my hero **\- come back to me soon!"**_

 


	9. Conflicted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The circumstances you were born in just won't give you a break.
> 
> Who is the traitor?

**[Wall Maria, 57th Expedition Outside the Walls]**

The beginning of the mission went very well and without any disturbances. Since you were pretty much back in the central of the formation, you didn't see many titans at all.

Most of the time after you got into the long-distance-formation, you'd simply ride onwards while watching your surroundings. Still, the air was as thick as honey. You couldn't relax - imagining all the horrors that could happen to your friends or yourself, always thinking that a titan could come and devour you all at any second.

Suddenly, a loud noise made your senses sharpen by thousandfold immediately. **Where from?** It was the ruin of a small farm, behind whose walls a titan came out of his hiding. Probably a 7 meter class. You quickly got out your smoke pistol and gave the sign for a titan appearing, yet the rest seemed to be up to you.

Looking around you, realizing how your superiors were already too far away from you to help out this sudden, you jumped on the back of your horse and initiated the battle. " _I can't afford to die this soon!"_ you smirked as you leaped forwards through the sky, doing an unnecessary barrel roll before going for it's neck. At this moment, you felt **free.** **Nothing** could stop you.

It was over as soon as it started, with you cleanly cutting out a piece of it's neck. When your superiors arrived, they'd scold you for going on your own instead of trying to flee. Yet they also had to admit that you dida pretty good work with killing that titan - you really had potential. Silently applausing yourself, you'd mount your horse again.

Something was not right, you knew this much - why did a titan come from the right all this way without being killed? Your presentiment of danger would be confirmed when you saw black smoke soar up at the horizon. ** _"Oh no..."_** You already lagged behind, but you couldn't help but to look to your right - the flank where your lover and your childhood friend Armin were located.

A brown shadow appeared to be running towards you, but you were only partially sighted due to the adrenaline rush from earlier. Was it another titan? An Ally? No...it were... **horses!**

They stopped right next to you, frightened about the scene they just wittnessed. _"Hey there"_ you flustered hearty as you pettet their heads. _"It's all fine now"_ you repeat over and over again - probably to calm yourself down rather than the horses. You bound them up to yours, swinging up again and apologizing to your superiors.

 _"You can't just break the formation!" "I'm sorry, it won't be for long. I need to check what happened to the right wing!"_  One of them sighed in frustration. _"Permission granted. But come back as soon as possible to report!"_

The path to the outside of the right wing was plastered with blood and corpses. _"The right wing has been completely... **annihilated"**_ you talked to yourself, already trying to identify your comrades in between all those body parts that were scattered at the ground. _"An abnormal is stong, of course, but how could they struggle this much with just one of them?"_

You felt your guts burn in anger and sorrow as you kept moving to your destination - and finally, you saw them. _"Reiner! Armin! Jean! **Thank god you're all right!"**_ They all yelled your name in relief and deeply thankful. You found yourself at loss for words as you buried your head into your hands before crying out some small tears.

 _"I can't believe the smoke brought you here"_ Reiner grunted out angrily, before giving you a soft rub on your head. _**"What were you thinking?!** It's way too dangerous!" "Well..." _ you whimpered, _"You weren't all that far away and I already had your horses..."_

He realized he was too harsh to you and tried to lighten up the mood. _"Even animals like you!"_ Reiner said kind of charming,  _"You just have this... **aura!"** "You really saved our asses!" _ Jean yelled. _"I-I'm just happy"_ you said with a weak voice, "...Th _at you all are fine. I was **so** worried!"_

The way you looked at them made Reiner's eyes sparkle. Your smile could make his world stop and all the crushing weight of his existence felt like it was nothing. **_"Marry me"_ ** he muttered under his breath.

Jumping down the horse and treating Armin's injuries while the others looked out for enemies, you realized Reiner **actually** listened to your first aid tips. It made you smile a bit. Well, he was pretty big and muscular, so people often tend to forget that he's really smart too.

As you all sat up on your respective horses, you started to exchange informations. All of Armin's explanations made sense to you - the **_"Female Titan"_**   as they called it, had a more human build than the average one - just like Eren and the Armored Titan. Also considering that it appeared to be searching for someone, it seemed pretty safe to assume that you were dealing with a **Titan Shifter.** It also was just natural to state that they seemed to be searching for Eren, because of his powers.

What bothered you a lot was that their face seemed somewhat familiar...But **that just wasn't possible.**

_____________________________________________________________________

The mission was a total **failure** \- and you felt like a failure too, for not being able to do a single thing to help.

You were ordered to stay at the branches of the giant trees and to keep the titan's from entering the forrest. This whole time, you heared how the fighting continued inside the forrest - but you weren't allowed to go. You saw Reiner and Berthold exchanging pretty stressed looks this whole time - but who are you to judge? You were nervous as hell, too.

Then, you heared a titan **scream.** The voice had a female touch to it, though. And after that, all of the titan's that you managed to hold in check and distract were running into the woods at once. There was nothing you could do, even though you tried. Reiner kept you from following them, convincing you that there was no use in trying.

On your way home, you'd sit on one of the carriages to help the injuried - the least you could do after recieving such a setback. Your condolences went with Captain Levi, who you heared lost his whole squad. Just **how many** capable soldiers did you lose during this fight?

Sometimes, your eyes would meet with one of your friend's - but all you saw was a blank stare without any reaction. Deep inside their irises, you could see the war that was still raging on inside of them.

Looking to your side, you saw Eren and Mikasa, both crying. Of course, no one knows what the government would do to him now that he didn't prove useful.

Stepping through the gates as you saw the inside of wall Rose again, you felt even less wanted here than out there. Reiner covered his head in shame while walking through the streets, all of the people booing and you. He walked directly behind you, protectively building himself up in case some idiots would be throwing rocks again.

The whole way, you couldn't help but cry about how powerless you were compared to the monsters that lurked outside.

______________________________________________________________________

Ever since then you weren't allowed to do anything. You were deployed at the **Survey Corpse's headquarters,** restricted from training or even going outside. Also unaware of Annie's betrayal and her fight with Eren, you sat there and enjoyed some peace and quiet. Yet you couldn't rest somehow.

It was only two days since then, but all of you felt better - **bored** even. Seems like the life of a soldier suited you all more than you thought. Or at least, you adapted to it.

What bothered you that you also weren't able to stay in contact with Eren. None of the Survey Corps members would talk to you about where Eren, Armin, Mikasa and Jean were at or what the plans would be exactly. Are they really **that** suspicious? Your already realized that they had a theory of a traitor in their lines - but why exactly in **your** division?

On midday, you sat on Reiner's lap as he played chess with Berthold. You felt warm and cozy, leaning back as you gave him a sweet, tender smooch on the cheek, making him snicker happily.

Connie blubbered about wanting to visit his parents, and if he should sneak out at night. Of course Reiner was in from the very first second, seeming to be well aware that the Survey Corps don't trust you, either. The fact that the others were fully armed even though they were inside the walls made him uncomfortable for some reason, but you suggested they were just training.

Sasha was the first one to notice, due to her excellent hearing. You didn't believe it at first, but the news got confirmed by the soldiers just shortly after: **Titans have appeared inside of wall Rose!**

 _"Gimme a break already"_ Connie mumbled while everyone jumped up. _"There's no time to get equipped, get on your horses!"_ one of them yelled. It has become natural to you, so you just jumped onto your horse and started moving on instinct.

You got split into teams, yours being the one to go to Connie's village. Your feelings rarely betray you, but this time you hoped you were wrong. Connie already said it: The titan's came from the direction of **his** village. And you were sure to bump into them at some point, not speaking of what happened to Connie's home and relatives.

 _"Stay close to me",_ Reiner said, seemingly terrorized by uncertainty. He mumbled under his breath, but you could read his lips. _"That's **not possible...** Just **who else**  could've done breached the wall?" "Well,the Colossal Titan would've attracted attention way before the titan's made it this far. Maybe the Armored Titan showed up and breached the wall on a point where there was no gate and just a few people?" _you suggested.

He turned around, looking at you as if he were caught because you heared him. Yet, he had other things to worry about right now, so he didn't bother to make excuses. He just mused out loudly now, knowing that you were way too naive to accuse him of something. Talking to you helped him think, after all.

_"It's not possible for the Armored Titan to breach it from any point else than the gate." "Huh? How can you be so sure?" "...Just a theory."_

 


	10. Shattering truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Still fleeing from the enemy, trying their best to beat fate, Reiner got a deep view inside your heart he'd rather not have gotten.

**[Connie's village]**

Your omnious feeling just **had** to prove right again, didn't it? Slowly but surely, you began to think that you were a **bad omen** for your friends and everyone near you. It wasn't right of course, but since all the predictions you madeturned into harsh reality, the feeling that you attracted bad luck was emerging inside of you.

Seeing Connies village in ruins, you just couldn't find any words. What could you possible say or do to ease his pain? You thought if maybe you'd find someone, at least one person who survived, it would make the situation a little bit better. But judging from the fact that all the horses were still in the stall, you already lost all hope for them. Many here, including you, knew what it feels like to lose a home to return to - but this made it shatter you even more.

Suddenly, you heared Reiner yelling. _"What are you doing?! **Get back!"**_ Rushing towards them and turning around the corner, you saw them standing right before a titan - who appeared to be **crippled,** to the point of not being able to move. It was just a silent whimpering, but you could hear Connie say _"This...is my home."_

______________________________________________________________________

You split up through the town, still hoping for some good news. This time afoot, you tried your best to slid through some openings of the rubble - maybe someone was buried and thus left unnoticed by the titans. There was no way for you to get triggered by the memories of your own, collapsed home right now. You **had** to help your friend! But even after a while of searching the collapsed buildings - there were **no signs of life.**

 _"Be careful!"_ Reiner said worried, while lending you a hand to pull you out of the building. He didn't want you to search inside them anyway, since you could be gravely injured in case they collapse even more. Additionally, he also had to fight with his memories of back then - when he saved you in his titan form from being buried alive. But you're **so** stubborn. Well, he loves that about you, too.

As he saw you having a few bruises from crawling on the ground all the time while wearing a plain white dress, he **hated** the titans for existing and hurting his wholesome girlfriend. Yet his subconsciousness was **screaming** at him - he was also one of the person **responsible** for all of this. But remembering would cause the small world he created to fall apart.

 _"Get up"_ he said as he crotched in front of you. _"Hold onto me."_ He was overprotective, of course, but it felt good to have him near you right now. So you accepted the offer of getting a piggy back ride. Trying to shut up the voices of guilt inside his head, jhe tried to distract himself through caring for you.  _"She's so small"_ he thought as he felt your warm embrace, _"It's **adorable..."**_

Returning to Connie, you felt really bad for still thinking about something else than your friend. Just how did that titan get there? It couldn't simply have walked there with those limbs. Did he get thrown over the wall by a shifter? No, the distance is way too far. **Ugh,** no matter how many questions you answered, even more would show up in their place.

 _"Connie...did you find any survivors?" "No...everything... **it's** **lost"**_ the boy cried out desparately. Reiner, sympathetic as always, layed his hand on his friend's shoulder, looking like he was about to cry himself. Berthold on the other hand looked away, concerned but still as if it doesn't have anything to do with him. He couldn't deal well with expressing his emotions or dealing with stressing situations, you knew that. So it was your turn to do something, even though you were as planless as the others. You hugged Connie as firmly as possible while he cried with his face buried in your neck. _"It's okay...we're still there for you. **Everyone is."**_

As your group was already mounting their horses again, they left Connie a short moment to say goodbye to his former village. You came to pick him up, but witnessed a small fight between him and Reiner instead. _"I didn't hear a damn thing. Focus on the mission!" "B-but...I don't know how, but...that titan..it sounded somewhat like my mo -" **"DAMN IT, CONNIE!** Don't you get how serious this situation is? If we don't go, hundrets of thousands will die! Now act like a soldier, will you?!"_

There he was again, the Reiner you didn't like - were a little bit afraid of, even. The Reiner you knew would never use such harsh words. Yet he did, and furiously went ahead. _"I'm sorry, Connie. He's just stressed."_ you said while coming towards him. _"It's no problem, [___]. I understand that."_ You gave him an encouraging smile, before trying to cheer him up. _"So...your family e **scaped** already, right? Then we just need to evacuate the other villages and get out of here soon. The Survey Corps' members **will** make sure that your family can escape savely!" "Y-yeah. Thanks."_

At this moment, you hated yourself for lying this obvious. Even an idiot could tell that you didn't believe it - but Connie appreciated your efforts anyway.

_________________________________________________________

The night was dark and silent as you and the others patrolled the wall.

Fearing that the silence might be interrupted at any second when finding the breach and running into titans unarmed, you all were really tensed. Of course, there was no way for them to be active at night, but if you were to stand right in front of them...

From time to time, you'd look at how the others were doing, but they were too afraid themselves to be noticing you, flinching at any cracking stick.

If at least your mind would be at peace...  _"I wonder how Sasha is doing..."_ you asked yourself. _"She'll be fine"_ Reiner whispered at your direction. _"Worry about yourself first."_ Sometimes it felt like he knew you better than you yourself. But it was really reassuring to know that no matter what, Reiner would always watch over you.

When you bumped into the other squad, which appeared to be walking alongside the walls too, you knew the breach must have been found on their side. For a brief moment everyone was looking at each other in disbelief when the other teams' leader said _"So, I assume **you** found the breach then?" _

_**"Huh?** We didn't find anything."  _Christa expressed the first thing that went through everyone's mind. _"That's **impossible.** Did we miss it?" _ _"No way"_ your leader concluded _"Not a hole big enough for a titan to pass it."_

He was right, though. The titans, Connies' town, the walls - none of this made any sense. _"May I ask a question?"_ you interrupted. _"Permission granted." "What's the plan now? Keeping on searching?"_ Nanaba was the one to answer. _"We have to. But we as well as the horses are tired. So I assume we first need to find a safe place to rest."_

At that very moment, the sky cleared up and the moon showed itself - lighting your way towards a nearby **castle ruin.**

________________________________________________________

Everyone was exhausted, so it didn't took you long to fall asleep. This place was a mess, but it would work for the night. Tomorrow, you all had to give it your best again!

Yet it was hard for you to sleep - like always. You needed answers, yet you wouldn't get any without searching for them. But at this moment, there was nothing you could do instead of waiting. _"Why did Ymir react as weird as Reiner when Connie said that the titan resembled his mom?"_ you wondered. _"It's weird, of course, but not the most weird thing we've encountered tonight. We should at least **consider** his opinion - even though I can't make sense of it."_

Opening your eyes again, you realized that Reiner, who was sleeping next to you a few minutes ago, was gone.

While walking into a small side-room, you rubbed your eyes and saw him kneeling on the ground and looking for food. _"Here you are"_ you said calmly, crotching next to him. _"Hey. I didn't want to wake you up, but I just couldn't sleep."_ You grabbed your arm and cuddled up to him, making him feel how you were trembling.  _"It's no problem. I couldn't sleep either."_ He held his hand under your chin, softly lifting your head as he gave you a bittersweet kiss. Who knows how long his **only** pleasure on this world would last?

 _"You don't need to tremble"_ he said with resolve in his voice, _"I **will** protect you - that's a promise." "And I trust you. Unconditionally"_ Oh, just how much did he wish for you to grow old together.

 _"That's why I'll tell you something"_ you added. _"Huh? What is it?"_ Reiner's heart began to race immediately, afraid for his cover to be blown up due to his weird behaviour today. Deep inside, he always feared you letting go of his hand as soon as you'd figure out. You were smart, after all. It was a miracle you didn't collect the pieces untill now.

 _"I'll be honest with you. I never told anyone, because it sounded so ridiculous, but...The Armored Titan - thinking back, I believe he saved me."_ Reiner stared at you with the most horryfied glare. If you were to find out, he'd have to **kill** you - right here, right now. His warrior persona began to grow again as he picked up a sharp piece of glass lying next to him. 

_"But, you know. I'm really **thankful** for that."_

Those words left him staring at you with an open mouth, throwing his weapon behind him without you noticing.  _"How could you say such a thing?! Those... **monsters** killed your family!"_

_"Yeah, I know it sounds stupid and naive - but one day, I **need** to talk to the shifter that did all this. So I'll keep moving forwards, to the day I might be able to understand **why** they did this. I **refuse** to believe they're killing people just because they enjoy doing it. Outside these walls, there has to be so much more we don't know, right?"_

You looked up to Reiner, who appeared to be in his own world again. Hearing how heavy he breathed, you feared him having a panic attack again. He touched his head, his lips forming into a kind of crazy smile.  _"You're talking nonsense, [___]. It's **impossible** for them to be forgiven." "I never said I'd forgive them. **I hate them,** despise them with my whole being. But I need to know the reason behind all this or I won't be able to be at peace."_

 _"Maybe..."_ he whispered under his breath, _"Maybe he thought saving at least you was the only way to remain **human."**  _What a weird theory that was, so you plainly answered _"Well, I don't want the responsibility of being **the moral support of a mass murderer."** _ He covered his mouth, tears running down his eyes, growling _"Sure...that's only natural."_

 _ **"Reiner..."** _ you said while taking his hand, _"I told you my secret, now it's your turn. There's something tormenting you this whole time, yet you never talk much about your past. If you got to tell me something, I beg you - just do it! Didn't I tell you to not leave your side, no matter what?"  
_

He gulped, feeling the sudden dryness in his throat. It was **now or never** \- you had the right to know. To choose to hate him. Your relationship, your happy lives, all of the promises you made each other - it was all just a naive dream from a boy who couldn't bear to face reality.

_"[___], **I'm -"** "Everyone, **wake up!** Get up here, quickly!"_

_"We'll talk later. But thanks for trying to open up to me"_ you said, a lovestruck smile directing at him. As both of you got up and walked up the stairs, he pushed his conflicted thoughts into the back of his head again. _"There's no time for this...at first, I've got to get her out of here save!"_

 


	11. Savior or Traitor (1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reiner's contradictonay thoughts are getting worse and worse without anyone noticing.
> 
> Meanwhile you proceed in your desire to find answers, yet still unaware of your fate that already had been written.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like the latest chapters were kinda repetitive when it comes to my writing style, even though I tried not to be. I hope you don't mind.

**[Utgard Castle, around 1am]**

Here you were, standing at the top of the castle's highest tower and seeing the impossible: **Titans moving at night!**

While the others were still staring in disbelief, you already took a few steps back, desparately muttering _"We...have no equipment...we're **trapped** here."  _ Nanaba shook you as intense as she could, telling you to stay calm. She looked like an eager fighter, fearless and elegant jumping from the tower as she promised to protect you rookies until her dying breath. Their warcries made your survival instinct slowly rise up inside of you again.

Everyone had a serious look on their face, but you felt how their fighting spirit would help you all survive together. They all **refused** to die right now, having come this far. For the moment, you watched the soldiers fight - amazed by their ability. So this is the best of the best, you thought.

Experiencing this scenery, you wished Reiner would hold you like always when the situation got out of hand - but he didn't. Not even looking at you, he seemed to be buried in thoughts even at this moment on the brink of life and death. Also, he and Berthold were staring rather happy than terrified when this... **giant beast** showed up. Maybe it was just your imagination. Still...was him being honest with you really too much to ask for? Seems like you'll die without knowing your boyfriend the way you wished to.

 _"You guys! The titans **invaded the castle already!** We'll hold the rest off as long as we can, but you need to rely on only yourself to bear up until the reinforcements have arrived. **Good luck!"**_ Without giving you the time to answer, the female soldier already engaged into battle again. Much to your dislike, you saw Reiner being the first one to run into the tower - Berthold following him closely.

 _"We need to block the doors or something to keep the titans from entering"_ you ordered them. _"We can't just stay here and do nothing anyway"_ Ymir sighed with her usual, sarcastically tone. _"Well then, let's search for something we can use! Don't worry, Reiner and Berthold will be fine on their own until we're done!"_ Oh my, you were too bad at lying **\- even to yourself.**

_______________________________________________________________

The cannon you found in one of the rooms seemed to be broken, but it would make up for a **damn** good barricade. But the unease you felt with leaving the two alone down there made you push the heavy device even harder **\- please,** let them be fine.

Unfortunately, the torch Reiner was carrying was lying on the ground, so it was hard to see. But Berthold and Reiner were struggling with a 3 meter class titan, using an old pitchfork to fight it. _"You guys! Get out of the way!"_  Christa yelled, just to be answered with an unnecessary _"Where did you get this from? Does it work?" "Just get away! It doesn't work, but it'll throw this fucker over!"_ Ymir yelled back. As the door was broken to pieces and the titan was buried underneath the cannon, you could finally breathe easily again - at least for a short while.

 _"I'm **so** glad we weren't too late!"_ you cried out as you tried to hug Reiner - but he just pushed you away, a grim expression on his face. His warrior personality had gotten into control right now, after almost dying through a titan's hand again. The triggered memories revived his past in his soul, strenghtening his wish to get home. **_"Fucking disgusting"_** he thought as he saw your bright, pleading eyes looking at him. _"For a **proud warrior** like me to be fooling around with a **filthy Eldian devil.** What did I even think?"_

 _"Reiner...? Are you okay?"_ Berthold smiled at Reiner approvingly, making you wonder even more. The others didn't seem to notice much, because they were still drunk by adrenaline and relief. They walked up the stairs again to take a look at how the battle out there was going, but you stayed a moment longer, confused about Reiner's reaction. Even for him it was pretty unusual.  _"Uh...Excuse me, did I do something wrong?"_ He sighed frowningly, walking right past you.

 **Oh. Okay.** You didn't have time to worry about that anyway - the door was still open, after all. Who knows if you're really as save as you think you are.

 _"[___], **look out!"**_  Christa screamed at you - but it was already too late. Feeling a presence behind you, it was already clear what awaited you when you turned around. Still lookingm you saw yet another titan, already opening his mouth and jumping towards you - but then, you got pushed away again. ** _"Reiner!"_ ** you cried out as you saw how the titan dug it's teeth deep into his arm.

He contorted his face with pain, but somehow managed to lift this giant up over his shoulders. All of the others could just watch as he walked up the stairs and towards the window - only you going after him. _**"Stay away!"** "What are you doing?!"_ Connie was the first one to realize. _"Are you going to jump out of the window with it?!"  "I don't have any other choice, don't I?"_

Grabbing the knife out of Connie's hand in an instant, you ran towards him and teared the titan's jaw muscles apart. When the titan turned around to target you, Reiner threw his body in front of you to shield you once again - and the titan got thrown out of the window by a strong kick of Ymir. _"Thanks, you guys."_ You began to pout, crossing your arms. ** _"You big idiot..."_ ** you whispered as you surpressed your tears.

Grabbing his healthy arm and pulling him towards you, you told him to sit down. He didn't know what it all meant - already forgotten the few minutes of earlier, but not really thinking about the gaps in his memories. All that counted was that **you were all right.** As you came back, you held a bottle of old wine in your hands. _"That's all I could find, sorry."_

You kneeled down next to him, rubbing his back softly as he grit his teeth, feeling the alcohol cleaning his wound. Being angry at him for too long wasn't possible - you knew he's mentally sick, after all. _"I'm afraid it's fractured"_ you mumbled as you looked around you. Your friends were already barricading the door - this time for real. There was nothing around that you could use as a bandage, **except...**

Reiner's heart stopped for a second as he saw you ripping apart your dress just to help him. _"Here. It's pretty dirty, but a piece of cloth is better than nothing."_ Blushing in excitement he only brought out a quiet _"Don't worry...Thank you",_ but in his head he yelled ** _"Just marry me already!"_** You hastily kissed him on the cheek, smirking. _"Did you peek, you pervert?" "That's not funny, I'm injured"_ he answered embarassed. _"I know. You really are my **hero,** Reiner." "No big deal...we all have each other's back. That's what soldiers do."_

Connie joined your talk. _"But it's so unbelievable, Reiner. Courageously saving people without thinking first, I mean. Has he always been like this, Berthold?"_ His answer was quite disappointed, since he already hoped that Reiner would finally turn back to his old self. **_"So this is how deeply he values her..."_ ** he realized before picking his answer. _"No...back then, he was a **warrior." "Huh?** What are you talking about, Berthold?"_  

 _"Anyway",_ Ymir interferred as she looked out of the window, _"Seems like the Scouts out there get shit done. Let's get back up."_

Getting up the stairs, Reiner wouldn't let go of your hand, smiling at you as innocent as ever. It's really exhausting to deal with all those **mood swings...**

____________________________________________________

This life made you get used to not getting a break, but still, for it to be **this** bad...

 ** _"GODDAMNNIT!"_** Connie got it straight. It was still hard for you to see people die in front of you, so you turned around and covered your ears while trying to accept your fate. _"The beast is controlling this titans, isn't it..."_ you guessed. After it screamed, the titans began to actively destroy the tower. It also threw stones at the combatants, killing most of them instantly. It appeared to be intelligent, that's for sure. But what to do with this information? Without the soldiers protecting you, you wouldn't last any longer. _"At least I can kill myself before **getting eaten alive"**_ you decided, feeling the knife you still held in one of your hands.

You recognized Reiner's soft embrace as he made you look up again. Walking towards the edge of the tower, you could see the sun rise at the horizon. Reiner cracked a smile  and firlmy held your hand, knowing it would probably be his last moment with you. **_"It was a good life"_** you concluded, the two at you watching the sun rise as time seemed to stop **.**  You had enough time with your family, wonderful friends and found the love of your life - until the very end, isn't that **tragically romantic s** omehow?

But just as you were about to kiss one last time, Ymir interrupted you as she asked for your blade. _"What's the matter, Ymir`? Just what are you going to do with it?" "Fight, I guess"_ she mumbled, jumping down the tower and ignoring Christa desparately yelling after her.

 ** _"It can't fucking be..."_** you mumbled with a blank stare, seeing the light of a titan transforming right in front of your eyes. **_"Ymir is a titan?!"_**

At this moment, you were too amazed by the sight of Ymir slicing away the titans as if it were nothing. _"She seems like she knew about her powers and how to use them, though..."_ _"Be careful you two, you'll fall!"_ Connie said, but it didn't got through to you and Christa.

Berthold and Reiner were both deeply affected by the sight of this titan. " _Reiner..." "Yeah"_ he hatefully answered as he balled his fists, _"This is...the titan from **back then."**_

This sentence attracted your attention. Reinerhad told you **exactly once** about how a childhood friend died while protecting him from a titan, and how he wants to be like him ever since then. It made sense to you, since he always tried to play the role of the big brother, caring for everyone. But why should a **titan shifter** eat a **human?** Ymir was a shit person when it came to manners, but she'd never kill, you were sure of that! 

You leaned forwards, observing her fighting style when a quiver of the almost collapsing tower made you fall forwards. Reiner directly grabbed your ankle, saving you from falling to your death. _"Thanks, Reiner... **ouch!"**_ You felt how instead of pulling you up, the grip around your leg got tighter and tighter. Looking at him, you realized how he was completely lost in his anger for Ymir. _"Reiner, **please.** My leg!"_ you begged, but he didn't hear. Only when Connie gave him a good knock on the shoulder, he'd wake up from his trance. _"I'm sorrry"_ he mumbled, still furious. _"It's okay"_ you said as you rubbed the spot he squeezed.

 _"So..she's the one who killed this... **Marcel,** right?"_ Berthold seemed very surprised that you knew even about **that.**  Ultimately, he began to worry if you already knew about what they were.

Reiner didn't seem to want physical contact right now, and it wouldn't calm him down anyway.  _"Yeah... **She'll pay for this"**_ he whispered. _"But she just saved our lifes"_ you added, looking at him with a scolding stare. _"You don't know shit, [___]." "Sorry. I shouldn't judge."_ Of course you shouldn't - you'd kill the bastard responsible for your parents deathinstantly too, if you could.

This whole time, you didn't even realize the cheering, yet also pretty indecent motivations Christa screamed out. _"If you wanna die protecting the tower, forget it! Just **tear it down!"**_ she yelled, holding her arms up as Connie tried to hold her in place. And Ymir did, so: What's the plan now? You didn't really care anymore as you already saw yourself crushing to the ground. All of you had been avoiding death so ridiculously long, it just wasn't fair if you thought back of the other, more experienced soldiers. And to have **2 titan shifters** in your division...

Ymir's titan jumped towards you, but you knew she wouldn't hurt you. _"Wanna live? Hold on tight"_  her titan form said with a creepy voice. It's jaw wasn't as stiff as Eren's, so it wasn't that much of a surprise that she could talk. Grabbing onto her hair, all of you flew to the ground as you saw the tower burying most of the titans alive. **_"We' made it out alive"_** Connie breathed out.

Sadly, a few of the titans didn't get knocked out by the crashing tower - so Ymir had to fight on. You had to watch a horryfing scene as they'd tear your comrade apart, while you tried to keep Christa from running over to her. But she slipped out, and the worst case scenario happened - she bumped right into a titan. All of you immediately ran over to her and tried to pull her back - but at that same moment, the **Survey Corps** arrived and Mikasa was the one to save Christa's life. _"You guys are always way too late!"_ you said as you couldn't hold back your tears anymore, Reiner pulling you back. _"Get somewhere safe"_ was Mikasa's firm response. _"We're taking over from now on."_

All of you backed off, but watched from a save distance. Luckily, Ymir was safe, but still severly injured. It was kinda sweet to watch the scene of those two lovers, and also  thrilling to hear Christa reveal _"My real name...is **Historia."**_ It had something to do with the Survey Corps. They were up to something, and it was just a matter of time for them to explain it to you now that you've proven faithful to humanity. They won't hurt Ymir, since she saved you and could have some valuable information. So for now, everything was settled and you just threw your exhausted body to the ground, taking a deep breath of this new day - leaving this whole night behind you.

Reiner let himself fall down backwards too, leaving out a loud scream to let out all his emotions - and to be sure he's still alive. "Reiner, you really are my hero. Do you know that?" "Please, don't call me that. I'm probably anything to you but that." He's way too humble, isn't he? Yet the only thing that counted was that you overcame even this obstacle - getting to see a new tomorrow to fight for your future. _"One day, I'll take you home. And I **will** marry you",_ he thought silently.

Finally saved, you hoped to now be able to rest for a bit. No one died - at least none of your precious comrades. But you tried to pull yourself together as you placed a flower next to Nanaba's remains. No matter what was about to come, you'd bear with it. _"We'll find the truth and break out those walls. **For you guys, too."**_

 


	12. Saviour or Traitor (2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [...]  
> And the ones we hail  
> Are the worst of all  
> [...]  
> I want to hide the truth  
> I want to shelter you  
> But with the beast inside  
> There’s nowhere we can hide  
> [...]  
> Don’t want to let you down  
> But I am hell bound  
> [...]  
> Your eyes, they shine so bright  
> I want to save their light  
> I can't escape this now  
> Unless you show me how  
> [...]  
> When you feel my heat  
> Look into my eyes  
> It’s where my demons hide  
> Don’t get too close  
> It’s dark inside  
> It’s where my demons hide
> 
> Imagine Dragons - Demons

Here you were, **Wall Rose.** It would just be a short time to rest, but at least something. Then you'd just wander on the wall and search for the breach in the most safest position. Everything sounded fine so far, so why do you still have such a bad feeling?

Reiner insisted on you climbing the wall first, so he'd know you to be safe. Equipping your 3D maneuver gear, you even had some time to talk to Berthold, who finally seemed to be a bit more cheerful again.  **You knew**  it was just the fear and stress that made him behave so gloomy.

 _"Sorry for being so weird lately"_  he stuttered, anxious as ever. _"Just don't make me worry like that again, Bertl"_  you said, playfully messing with his hair. Every time you managed to get this distanced boy laugh or even smirk, you were pretty happy. He went away to grab his own equipment too, saying  _"You know, I'd be really sad if you of all people got hurt."_ Those boys are **both** weird. Like day and night, yet best friends. Both possessing a kind and a **dark** side. What could it be? Probably their upbringing.

You were very happy to hear that no one of your division got hurt. Checking if everything on your equipment works, you happened to saw Eren helping Reiner up - it made you smile how those two were like brothers when it came to their self-righteousness and honour as soldiers. Eren always looked up to Reiner, even though he humbly said he's not one to look up to.

It was a long night and much had happened, so you'd prefer to be for yourself for a while. For some reason or another you also felt pretty nauseous, but that's probably because you didn't eat properly in a long time.

Actually you had planned to ask Hange what your orders are for the following time, but Reiner suddenly grabed your ankle and pulled you away from the others. _"Reiner...you're scared the hell out of me. Don't sneak up to me like that!" "Sorry, **babe.** I just wanted to talk to you. You wanna know the truth this whole time, didn't you?" _ For a moment you were afraid that he was getting weird again, but he seemed to be normal to you.

He held your hand as he went towards Berthold and Eren, who just awkwardly stood next to each other. Eren looked at Reiner's arm, seeming pretty worried.  _"Are you okay, Reiner?" "Far away from it",_ Reiner answered as he sat down cross-legged.  " _A titan almost bit my arm off, that was pretty pathetic. I thought I was done for."_  Berthold just stared the other way as usual, but you felt the need to correct your boyfriend.  _ **"What?! You saved my life!** That wasn't pathetic, it was **amazing!** But don't you dare doing such a reckless thing again, though."_

Eren seemed kinda uneasy too for some reason, but well...you didn't know what he and the others did that night. They were probably as exhausted as you. " _Oh, I see"_ he pondered as he helped Armin climb the wall, too.  _"Even someone as strong as Reiner can have his problems sometimes." "D_ _on't talk nonsense. That's the second time this happened. Right, Armin? Back when the Female Titan appeared, I almost got crushed." "Right"_  Armin mumbled before walking away, **"That time..."**

 _"I mean, I picked my path myself, and I know it's what they expect a Soldier to do, but it's like my spirit breaks before my body." "Yeah, **your spirit..."**_  Berthold answered. You kneeled down in front of him, carefully placing a loving kiss on his broken arm. It made him snicker a little.  _"Well, there's no use in whining until we plugged that wall anyway",_  he said as he pet your head. You nodded approvingly.

Eren interrupted your talk, directing his words to Reiner and Berthold. _"You've both been driven far enough away from **your hometown."**_  That statement made Berthold's eyes shine up again.  _"Yeah, Reiner!"_ He said as he moved his arms in excitement. " _We can finally go **home!** Isn't it about time? Compared with what we've gone through, it's only a few steps left."_  Reiner's eyes began to widen, too, as if he'd remembered something again.  _"Yeah, that's right! We can finally make it home!"_

Both you and Eren had big question marks over your head, looking at each other in confusion. _**"Huh?"**_ you and Eren said simultaneously.  _"What are you guys talking about?"_

As the others of the Legion began to walk away over the wall, you and Eren tried to follow and keep up. _"Let's go, guys. You still don't have your 3D maneuver gear yet!"_ you yelled while already turning aroun - but Reiner kept you from going on. _"We're not done yet. Eren, have a minute? We need to talk."_ It was kinda interesting how Berthold didn't seem to have a clue about what Reiner means, either. But you realized Mikasa's intimidating stare as she watched you from afar. **Something's not right...** you had a bad feeling about all of this. _"What about?"  
_

You saw how Reiner's lips were moving, but what he said just didn't make any sense to you. It was like his words made your mind going completely numb this whole time he was talking.  _"Five years ago, we demolished the wall and began our attack onto humanity."_   **What the hell was he talking about?** You didn't understand. You were tired and hungry and still traumatized from the fight, and now **this?** But he kept on explaining. And the following sentence burned itself into your guts before you were even able to process it.

**_"I am the Armored Titan."_ **

He looked over to Berthold, who seemed to be in complete agony about his situation. _"And he's the Colossal Titan."_  Hearing this, Berthold finally spoke up. _"Why are you telling them, Reiner?!"_ Eren expressed excactly what you were thinking right now. _"What are you guys talking about?"_ Yet Reiner continued, freeing himself from Berthold's grip.

 _"Our primary goal was to ensure that all of you got wiped out - but now there's no need for that anymore."_ He seemed like his normal self, yet sometimes you couldn't differentiate between him and his PTSD symptoms. He could cover it up pretty good. Just what's going on right now? Then he turned over to Eren, looking at him with a straight face. _"Eren. If you come with us, there's no need for us to be destroying any more walls. Understand?"_

 _ **"What? No!** I don't understand anything!" "Yeah, Eren, me too"_ you thought, _"But I can **imagine** what's happening here."_

 _"I'm just saying: Why not come with us?"_ Now he turned towards you, smiling innocently and lovestruck as always. _"I know this is sudden"_ he said as he took both of your hands, _"But we need to go now. I'll explain anything later." "Huh? Reiner, I don't get you. Where do you want to go?" "I can't tell you right now, but think of it as our hometown. I always promised you to take you with me there one day, didn't I?" **"Reiner...Why?"**_  you whispered while tears emerged in your eyes, yet he didn't realize, already concerned with Eren again. To him, there was only one possible answer to his question when it came to you: You promised him to **always** be on his side, **no matter what,** right?

 _"So, Eren. What will it be? It's not a bad deal, right? You can avoid any escalation."_ You weren't really mad about Eren not responding immediately. It gave you time to think, but there wasn't any solution at hand. What if the others found out about how far Reiner's delusion was getting?

You heared Armin yell _"Hey! We're leaving!"_ from afar, but you couldn't just go like this. Now Eren had seen the real Reiner, even though everyone thought what a strongwilled and capable guy Reiner was all those years. It was some kind of a pinch.

Eren answered through tapping his companion's shoulder. _"Hey, Reiner. You're probably just...tired, right? Right, Berthold? You guys have been through so much, it must've made you crazy."_ Reiner didn't seem to understand. _"Huh?"_ he looked at you, searching for answers. You came closer to him, hugging him tightly as you began to cry. _"Reiner... **you're very sick.** Please, stop that. I'm worried for you. **You need help!"**_

Seeing an opportunity to get out of this, Berthold played with you. _"Y-yeah, Reiner is just very tired!" "Besides...if you were really the Armored Titan that destroyed Wall Maria back then...Do you really expect me to just come with you?" "Right, Eren"_ you continued, _ **"And I'd kill you right on the spot.** You know how much I hate the Armored Titan, so please stop making those twisted jokes."_ Eren seemed to be very pissed about it, but you and Berthold looked at him with concern and pity.

Reiner looked at you all in disbelief, mostly directed at himself. His frown turned into some kind of insane grin, saying _"Oh, right. What was I thinking? Have I gone crazy or something?"_ You tried to get him back to earth through a long, passionate kiss - but he was still buried deep into thought as your lips separated again. _"Let's go"_ you whispered, trying to take his hand. _"I promise it'll all be fine. I'll stay with you, Reiner. **Forver!"**_

How long were you going to lie to yourself, damn it?

It was just a flag - broken off by the wind and falling down the wall.  **Phew,**  you already flinch at such little things, you giggled. How embarassing. You felt Reiner's warm hand closely grab yours and thought everything was okay again - but when you turned around, you saw Reiner crying. Taking a look around you, you realized how tense everyone was, already close to draw their weapons. **No.** It couldn't be. There was **no way.**

He let go of your hand, starting to wimper with a trembling voice. _"I see...I've been here too long for my own good." "Reiner, please..." **"Three long years.** We were just kids, we knew **nothing** back then!"_ he cried out loudly, grabbing your arm to the point where it hurt, leaving you to cry out in pain.  _"If I only never knew there were people like you...I'd never become this... **half-assed piece of shit!"** "No..."_ you gasped, already shattered before it even happened. _"I beg you, Reiner, **stop this..."**_

He shoved you away from him, undoing the bandage you wrapped around his arm. _"It's already too late... **I don't know what's right or wrong anymore...** But the only choice for me now is to face the consequences for my actions, and **as a warrior...** fultill my duty to the very end!"_

You fell down to your knees as you saw steam emmiting from your lover's wound. No. No no no no. No. **NO!** Your mind screamed, but the lump in your throat was so hard you didn't manage to say anything at all. **It burned. It hurt so bad.** You grasped your chest to make the pain in your heart stop, crying your lungs out - your tears falling down on the wall as you managed to get out one last word: _**"Traitor..."**_

 _"I'm sorry for making you suffer this much"_ he said as he almost went past you, but he couldn't help but to crouch down and wiping a tear out of your face. You fell backwards, slapping his hand away and yelling _**"Don't touch me, you monster! Murderer!"**_ He sighed as he abandoned you, looking towards his main goal: **Eren.**

 _"Reiner! Are we doing it? **Right now? Right here?!"**_ _"Yeah, we're gonna settle this right here!"_ he answered with as much resolve in his voice as never before. You looked up and tried to see through all the tears in your eyes, your mind fogged by the pain and the memories that you slowly regained. All the pieces of hints that you were finally able to connect. **You had been so blind.**

Feeling a warm liquid splash onto your cheek, you rubbed your eyes and got out of your trance. Mikasa had heavily injured both ot them - Reiner's hand laying right next to you. _"Berthold..."_ you whimpered as you saw the poor boy lying down on the ground, crying and struggling with the cut on his neck. _"Why do I even feel sorry for him?"_ you thought. _"He can just die right here."_

Seeing the lightning surround the two of them, there was no way for you to deny it any more. You saw it in their eyes - they were prepared **to kill anyone in their way.** Just like back then. Shortly before they transformed, you could hear Reiner whisper a quiet _ **"I'm so sorry..."**_

______________________________________________________________________

After you regained your consciousness, you heared a ringing tone in your ears. You had been way too close to the transformation, but Armin and the others managed to somehow keep you from being buried underneath the Colossal Titan. You immediately ran towards the edge of the wall, just in time to see Eren sent flying by a punch of the Armored Titan.

Falling on your knees again, you began to cry your eyes out. Please, let this be a nightmare. Just a crazy, obscure nightmare.

 **And still:** Even now, the only thing you could think of was _"That can't be Reiner..."_ All those years you kept on pondering to yourself abut everything that happened, but never dared to talk about it with others. Because you had overseen the most important detail, **and you did it on purpose.** Because you simply didn't want it to be true, didn't you? Everything he had done - and yet you  **cared** for him. Wanted to  **help him,** even though you hated yourself for those feelings.

 ** _"I betrayed everyone..."_** you thought, _**"I am the worst** piece of shit there is. I'm so sorry Mom, Dad..."_

All this time, you trusted Reiner more than yourself - and now he's right in front of you, trying to **kill** all of your friends if they were to get into his way. ** _"Liar..."_ ** you whispered, _"You fucking **abomination...** Was it fun? Knowing to make a girl whose life you destroyed fall for you? Or was there more of it? A plan I don't understand yet? **WHY DID YOU HAVE TO TORTURE ME LIKE THIS, REINER?!"**_ you yelled as if you tried to make him hear it.

 **No.** That wasn't right. Try to think **logical.** Back then, they were not much older than you... **Child Soldiers?** They couldn't get the idea of doing something like this on their own, isn't that right? All of you knew **nothing** about the outside world, and if you were to lose any more soldiers during such a useless fight, you'd be done for. If Eren gets taken away from you, all hope would disappear.

Eren got up onto his feet again. Of course his spite kept him alive, as usual. You could understand his hate and rage at this moment. Reiner was like an idol to him, and yet...

There was no time for this. You had to swallow your emotions and try to keep them from fighting. If your hypothesis was correct, there could still be arguing with Reiner, right? But the moment you stood up, you felt a blade being directed at your throat. _"[___], where do you think you're going?" **"Huh?"**_

It was Armin, shaking as he thought about having to kill you if you move. _"Armin, please. Let me go." "H-how can I trust you after everything I saw today?"_ You inhaled and exhaled deeply before you answered. _"You knew the whole time, didn't you." "What do you mean?" "About Reiner and Berthold.  Of course you did - you're the smartest of us. Yet you kept quiet. Why?" **"I-I..."**_

 _ **"Because they are your friends,** and you didn't want to believe it"_ you started explaining, _"We are alike. Armin, we know each other since our early childhood. You know I'm not from the same town as them!" "B-but..." "I don't want them to hurt any more people, and you want Eren to be save. We'll save our friends, just let me talk to him! I at least have to try, so let me go!"_

He got the blade away from you, but grabbed it tight, still shaking. You turned around and smiled gently at him as you stood up. _"Thanks, Armin. You're a true friend. Let's get home to Wall Maria together!"_  you said, jumping from the wall.

_"Please, [___]. Don't do something stupid."_

____________________________________________________

As you landed on the ground in front of the wall, you ran as fast as your legs could carry you.

Eren lay on the ground again, his hand and jaw broken. **That's your chance.**   To show him that you have no intent to hurt him, you'd fly in front of his face instead of going for his neck - at least that was the plan. Looking up, you saw Mikasa furiously ramming an already broken blade on and on into Reiner's neck. But it wouldn't work... 

 ** _"Reiner!"_ ** you screamed your lungs out for that pitiful boy, using your 3D maneuver gear to get close to his face - when he suddenly grabbed you tight. You got choked by the Armored Titan's fingers,, gasping for air as he tried to crush you. **_"[___]!"_ ** Mikasa yelled for you, but you were already close to passing out. _"Are you insane? Why go all out on him? Aren't you afraid to die?!"_

At this moment, Eren, even though fully healed, couldn't do anything. Hurting Reiner would mean taking the risk of injuring you or Mikasa badly, and he didn't want that. But your answer made them shiver. It was just a short sentence, but along with your faiding voice you gave Reiner the most heartbreaking smile.

**_"Why should I be afraid? It's still just Reiner, after all..."_ **

Your words pierced his heart and made him release you from his grasp. You lay inside the titan's hand, coughing as your lungs finally filled themselves with fresh air. Getting back up, still a bit dizzy in your head, you kept on just innocently smiling at him. _"Thank you for letting go of me. I knew you couldn't even hurt a fly."_

The titan couldn't speak because of his stiff jaw, and he was too afraid to get out of his neck because Mikasa still waited for her chance to get back at him. It didn't make any difference, though, since was left unable to find his words anyway.

 _"What are you doing here, Reiner? **Those are** **your friends"**_ you scolded him like the situation was nothing to you. Of course you were mad and hurt and felt betrayed, but you wanted to save **everyone** without an exception. Enough people had died in this useless war. You convinced yourself it was just a play, and that you hated him with all of your existence. But in the end, you just tried to speak from the heart. 

 _"Reiner, I still trust you to do the right thing. Please, let go of this. It's insane! No matter who made you do this terrible things, **we will help you!** I can forgive your past, but not the future. I don't want us to fight each other anymore. I can't stand it anymore, **I don't want to lose you too!"**_  Eren and Mikasa were surprised as they saw tears beginning to run down the titan's eyes - and the boy in the inside also cried to his heart's content.

 _"[___],_ ** _they're no humans any more"_ ** Mikasa interfered with an unforgiving tone. _"They are still my friends. And I won't give up on them. **No matter what!"** "Don't give me that shit...As soon as he emerges from his titan, I'm going to kill that bastard!"_ Eren thought, already prepared to make his move. Both of them were sure that you'd convince him, but also too emotional to see things right. Killing him would also mean to lose essential information, but they were too full of rage at this moment to realize that.

 _"It was hard, wasn't it? It must have hurt this whole time. But now I know and **I'll be there for you!"**_ This was all too surreal. How could you hate yet love a person so much? _"Please stop, [___]"_ was his only thought. _"Stop this. There's no way to make up for what I've done, so why? Why are you still looking at me with that loving expression of yours?"_

 _"Reiner,"_ you began with a mix of happiness and sadness in your voice, _"I still love -"_

At this exact moment, you felt something pierce the side of your chest, burying itself through your ribcage.  **Who? From where?**

You couldn't remember anything except from the Armored Titan's desparate roar as you sunk down into his hand, and the shattering thought that everyhing is too late now.


	13. Forgiveness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happened to you during the time the Survey Corps pursued the young warriors?
> 
> While you are fighting for your life, you have to make a harsh decision.
> 
> Beware: Contains heavy nightmares since I'm a sick fuck.

**[???]**

When you came to your senses again, everything was black.

 _"Where...am I?"_ you wondered. It felt as if you were lying on your back, but also as if you were falling at the same time. _"Am I dead?"_

As if you'd asked for it, the darkness turned into a more familiar view - **your hometown!**

You were finally able to stand up, feeling how your body began to shake. Something was not right, even though everything looked like back then. You felt how salty, warm tears ran down your cheeks and made your eyelids burn. _"I couldn't remember it being this beautiful..."_ you tried to say, but the words just won't come out. For a short moment, you felt at ease as memories of happier days with your family began to flood your head.

Within the blink of an eye, the sky turned dark and everything decayed. The wonderful home you once had turned into the ruins of the day wall Maria fell. You wanted to run away as you saw a boulder flying to your direction, but when you turned around you saw the people you once loved more than anything in this world.

 **Wait.** Those things aren't your family. They aligned right in front of you as time seemed to stop, their faces horribly deformed. Those corpses didn't talk, rather staring at you through empty, black holes - yet you felt their glare and a deep, burning hate being directed at you. You couldn't move, no matter how desperately you tried. _"You're not my family. I want to go home. Let me go. **LET ME GO!"**_ you screamed inside your head, just before the boulder came down and crushed those who were already long dead.

Still standing there without being able of any movement, you couldn't feel a single emotion at this moment. **You were empty. Hallow.**

How did it end this way? **Why did it have to be love?** Even if he was just a friend it would have hurt, but this...

Hearing the words _"They would've wanted you to live!",_ you began to remember all of the memories that you locked away somewhere deep inside of you. This voice...was Reiner's. Yeah...you've met before, when you were still little. Yet this time, his voice didn't sound as kind and caring as back then - it was like he was mocking you.

Turning around, you saw the silhouette of the Armored Titan. It's face was engraved inside of your mind this whole time, ever since back then - so why didn't you notice how similar their faces were? All those comments Reiner made, even though you usually overthink anything - and yet you never noticed. Or rather...did you **really** simply not want to?

Your mind was close to breaking apart when you recalled the past years. _"I kissed the man who murdered my family...I even..."_ You fell down to your knees, vomiting when thinking back about that one, special night. _ **"I betrayed them!**  All of them! I should have noticed. I should have told them! So why? I'm the worst... **I should just die!"**_

Suddenly, you felt a strong pressure weighting you down. It got dark again, and you felt like you couldn't breathe anymore. Laying on your back again, you saw Reiner sitting on top of you - his hands reaching your throat. _"Oh. **I see.** He tried to kill me back then."_ You couldn't do any other way than to smirk at the fact that **you** were the one worrying about him surpressing **his** memories. 

Reiner had deep shifter lines showing on his face, who made it look even more like the titan he was all this time. You felt his hands slowly but firmly pressing against your throat as the man that you once considered the love of your life tried to hurt you yet again. _"You didn't seriously think that I'd love someone like you?"_ he laughed evil, pressing his thumbs deep against your trachea. _"I just **used you.** And now you can die! Die. Die. Die. **Die. DIE!"**_

For some reason or another, you laughed  ** _"That's just too cruel, Reiner."_ ** He let go of you and backed off, seemingly frightened. You covered your eyes with your arm, still laughing like a madman while tears ran down your face.

Your eyes wide opened, you began to yell at him. _"Was this some kind of **sick, twisted torture?** Sparing me and searching for me at the refugee camp, telling me to live on. And even after that: Playing a friend, kissing me, acting as if we were lovers. Even taking my **virginity!** Was I not beaten to the ground enough after **losing everything?** Did you feel the need to **destroy me** completely?!"_

Reiner didn't respond at all, kneeling in front of you and looking at you with grief. You jumped up, tackling the man down and reversing the situation. At first you wanted to choke him down. Beat him, make him pay. But...you just **couldn't.**

You bowed over to him, your face close to his, as your tears dropped onto his face. _"I-I..."_ you whimpered, _"The man that killed my family was right next to me, all this time...And even now, I can't help but to **worry** about you. **I'm seriously fucked up..."**_

The sinister being that resembled Reiner turned into the usual, beautiful young man. The darkness around you vanished, leaving you at your old spot near the river. Beginning to cry, himself, he pressed you against him. ** _"I'm so sorry, [___]. Please, forgive me!"_**

As your head touched his chest, remembering his still human heartbeat, you calmly closed your eyes. _"It's all right, Reiner." "How can you say that so easily? **I turned your life into hell!"**_ he cried out. 

_"I already said it back then: You were in pain this whole time, right? You didn't want to do this, but they made you. You somehow lost your way while being with the enemy, questioning your teachings. The weight of your sins must be heavy, and you think no one can free you of what you've done. Now you don't see any other way than to finish what you started."_

He didn't retort, still crying his eyes out as your hands interwined. Finally able to smile again, you found your own solution _"I can't forgive you this easily. But I'll do as you said and keep on moving forwards. And I swear, **I will save you!"**_

One last kiss between you and the boy vanished, a gentle, hopeful smile on his lips.

__________________________________________________________________________________

Your resolve was the thing that kept you alive all this time. This couldn't be how it ends! You still had things to settle, words to say **\- people to help!**

Finally awaking from this horrid nightmare, you opened your eyes. Everything hurt, and you couldn't see or hear properly. Yet this place seemed nostalgic. It was **the hospital you once worked at** before joining the military.

Gulping for the first time since long, you felt a pipe that was sticked through your nose and down your oesophagus. Did you really sleep this long that they needed to artifically feed you? Wanting answers, you tried to get up - but you were still too weak.

After one of the nurses noticed that you awoke from your coma, she immediately called for your superiors. The first ones to visit were your friends from the 104th division.

 ** _"We were so worried!"_ ** Sasha cried while hugging you. Connie agreed _"Seriously! We thought you were dead!" "Thanks, guys...but...how long have I been asleep?"_ They appeared to be like always, but Eren's hair grew longer. Seeing the eyes of your friends you were missing a sparkle they all once possessed.

 _"'Bout 6 weeks probably? We've lost sense for time ourselves, while fleeing the whole time"_ Jean laughed awkwardly. _"Fleeing? From what exactly?"_ your voice was still weak and scratchy, but you got nervous already. **6 weeks?** What happened in all of this time? Still unable to get up, they told you the whole story of how Historia became queen.

Apparently, the archer which shot you got disbanded and is in jail at the moment - but will soon get into a mental hospital. He was a part of the Survey Corps and a man who lost his wife and daughter during the fall of Wall Maria. Being enraged by the whole scenario, he thought you to be one of Reiner's allies and tried to assassinate you.

His arrow seemed to have pierced your ribs and caused your right lung to collapse. With the help of a weird machine, they were able to suck the lung in his usual position until the wound had healed. But you still didn't wake up - probably due to the emotional trauma. Many of the nurses pat your head, telling you how worried they were since even in your sleep, you wouldn't stop crying.

 _ **"Geez.** That sounds like a fairytale"_ you said while scratching your head, _"But considering all that happened to us throughout the years it's probably the most realistic part."_

 _"Besides"_ you started, asking the question that was burning on your heart this whole time. _"What about Reiner and Berthold?"_ They all looked at you with pity. _"Please, don't look at me like that. Just tell the truth, please."_

 _"Reiner was pretty pissed after you got shot, obviously"_ Jean said while scratching his head. _"Miaksa picked you up quickly and one of our messengers got you to a hospital as soon as possible."_

Armin added some information: _"They got away after trying to kidnap Eren. Ever since then, we haven't seen them again." "Oh. So...what's the plan, now?"_ Armin glared the other way. _"I'm afraid we're not allowed to answer that." "Huh? But why? I'm still part of the Survey Corps too, am I not?"_

 _"Technically, yes..."_ Armin stuttered. _"But **we cannot trust you"**_ Mikasa ended his sentence without even flinching. _"I-It's nothing against you! Even though you're apparently human..well, we also never even imagined Annie, Reiner and Berthold to be traitors, didn't we? And you were with them all the time, being really close to Reiner. We cannot know they lured you to their side as well." **"...I understand."**_

Eren leaned to the wall, not saying anything. Yet he had to remember the time back then on one of the giant trees, where Reiner declared that the person's they once know doesn't exist any more.

Without you, his mind completely broke. Eren couldn't see it because he was still unconscious back then, but for hours over hours Reiner would just lie on the branch of the tree, screaming in agony about having lost you. **Calling out your name,** screaming his lungs out as he begged for you to come back to him. _"You **promised** to never leave me. I'll do **everything!** So please, **come back! [___]!"**_

For a brief moment, he tried to supress his memories again one last time - yet this time, they would all confront him. The weight of everything he had done crushed down on him as he regained all the memories he's lost. The voices of everyone whose lifes he destroyed screamed at him at the same time as he had to relive every crime he commited. He was not human anymore. How could he be so shameless as to be pretending to be one? To try to live happily even though he did only deserve to **die?**

At that moment, the last bit of humanity inside his heart vanished - as well as his will to live. The only thing he had ever done in his life full of wrongs - and now you were **gone forever.**  With nothing left to lose, his resolve to complete his mission took complete control over him. His family and fellow warriors, those are the one he needed to protect from those  **Eldian devils - the devils that killed the love in his life.**

Ymir confronted Reiner with why he'd have to even go so far as to fake a relationship with you. His answer made Eren punch Reiner the way he did. _"What does it matter? It's normal to violate some of the enemie's woman in war, right?"_

Even someone as dull as Eren knew he shouldn't tell you this. No matter how much anger and resentment he felt inside of himself - you weren't ready yet to hear such cruel things coming out of the mouth of the man who had fooled you.

 _"[___]",_ he said with an angry tone, _"I trust you. But you know **we will kill them,** right? Any enemy that stands in our way to freedom must perish."_

At first, you kept quiet about your feelings. But you wanted to change and let the people close to you hear yout thoughts. Never again you'd miss an opportunity because you ignored the chance to talk about something. If you just had talked to Reiner about your suspicion back then, he may have killed you - but maybe you could've also saved him.

 _"...I know. And I won't be able to hinder you in this shape anyway, won't I?" "You're not allowed to leave this place until they are sure of your loyality",_ Jean said before opening the door.

They all turned around and left, knowing about their mission to find the basement, and prepared to do what's necessary to find the truth.

 _"But guys...At least try to talk to them. I can't believe they faked everything. And you know that!"_ Armin was the one who intended to convince them anyway, but your words only strenghtened his wish to get your friends back.

_"And also...I'll pray for you. **Be safe."**_


	14. Where is my lover?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two former lovers, separated by the wide sea. How do they spend their time being?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We've pretty much reached up to the Manga right now, but I'll update the story when new content is out.
> 
> Btw: This fic will have a happy ending, may Isayama want it or not.

**[Post-timeskip, Paradis Island]**

The following years have been hard for you, but bearable.

Everything in the past happened so fast, and now you had all the time of the world processing it. But did you really want to think about it rather than just surpress all of those painful memories and emotions?

It took you weaks to be able to walk again, and even more to train without losing your breath. All this time, no matter how depressed you were, you forced yourself to eat. You had to, and you will. Because one day, you'll reach the goal you've always aimed for:  **Confront the Armored Titan.**

At first, Erwin thought there may be more behind Reiner being so focuced on you. Maybe you were from royal blood, too? But no, all of his questions led to dead ends. There seemed to be no particular reason behind his feelings other than him having fallen for you - or at least a part of him.

After a while of questioning, they came to the conclusion that you really didn't seem have any valuable information, also staying quiet about the whereabouts of Annie. Since even when you were to be a traitor too, you couldn't possible stay in touch with the warriors, the Survey Corps assured you their trust and support, letting you live at their **headquarters** even all the time you couldn't be an active member. But still, you felt more like a prisoner with a few extra liberties rather than a true member of the Survey Corps.

Most of the time you'd spend with treating the injured, training new cadets and assisted Erwin and Hanji with making plans - your part being centred on finding the right position and task for your friends and making long distance formations instead of planning how to defeat the enemy - since they knew it was too painful for you the more you got involved into it.

Due to **special circumstances,** you haven't been able to fight together with your team again - yet you started to pick up with your trainingw after about a year had passed. It was for the better, honestly - like that, you didn't have to see the horrible death of your former best friend. Reiner - getting his head blown away. This man never dies, won't he? You wouldn't have been able to deal with this scenery anyway, yet the thought alone was enough to haunt your dreams.

 _ **"Why did you have to die?** You idiot..."_ you whispered into your pillow the night your friends came back from the fight of Wall Maria, a few tears running down your face. _"We could've talked about everything!"_

He never let anyone near him, yet you felt how deep inside, he was desparate for someone to help him. It was always fun around him - you felt at ease. **He was your friend.** Nothing of that was fake. None of the feelings, at least. So you couldn't help but to feel so disheartened when you realized that you weren't able to save him. And now Reiner was **all alone,** having to bear with the result of having kept walking the path of a warrior. Fate can be so cruel sometimes, even to children.

You weren't mad at Armin, though. The boy avoided you whenever he could, running away instantly when you tried to talk to him. Until one evening, he'd collapse in front of you - telling you about how he knows that you hate him, and that he's not the one that should've been saved. You kneeled down next to him as you gave him the same, hearty hug Reiner would always give you when you were desparate. " _Armin...You have been **brave** \- probably the most brave of all of us. I could never hate you, as much as I miss Berthold. But you are my friend too, and **I'm glad that you're alive."**_

Looking at the crying boy, you thought you could catch a glimpse of what resembled Berthold. As you leaned back and smiled at him, the memories of Berthold rushed through Armin, leaving him with an overwhelming pain. _"He wished he could have talked to you one last time, [___]"_ Armin whispered as he reached his hands for you. _"I know. And I couldn't wish for better friends than you two are. I'll protect at least you, Armin."_

_______________

It was horrible how as time passed, the friends you once knew changed for the worse. All of it happened slowly, bit by bit - but it was like their personalities got erased due to the war they had to fight. And you could just sit there and do **nothing,** useless as always.

Sasha stopped eating, even had to force herself to use the needed rations every day. Connie was very silent and never even got one joke or laugh over his lips. Jean became very calm, never trying to fight anyone or say a bad word. The innocent Armin was already gone when he shot that girl back then - being way more dark, but his self-doubt having change into deep hate for his existence. The all so angry Eren became very calm and was always deeply buried in thought, while you could clearly see how it tortured Mikasa to know that he was to die sooner or later anyway - may it be in the fight, or due to the course.

All of them spent most of their time just looking into the distance or to the ground, probably recalling the horrible things they had done to survive, questioning their lifes and their morals all this time. Sometimes trying to force a smile for you, but only ending up in making you even more worried than before. The children they once were already died long time ago. And so did your bonds, because you didn't share their fate. But you'd find a way to save them, too.

 _ **"The Titan's Course,** huh"_ you pondered as you went to the basement where they locked Annie. You went past the guards, closing the door behind you before taking a seat. _"That's stupid, Annie. Spending the little time you have in that crystal. Come on, they didn't even torture **me,** and they had one hell of a reason to suspect me of knowing something. Tell me about the outside world, won't you? Is it as shitty as inside of here? **Haha."**_

You stuffed a donut into your mouth, munching it while looking at Annies motionless face. _**"Sheesh.** It's no different from your usual self. You never really talked much anyway. But I know you love sweets"_ you grinned, waving with the plate of powdered donuts, _"So come on out! I'll share with you!"_

Why were you even here in the first place? You weren't quite sure for yourself. Most of the time, your friends from the 104th were on missions or had training that didn't concern you. The majority of the other people here were either way older than you, or hated you because you're the former lover of the Armored Titan. It was not like they bullied you, though. They just didn't want to involve themselves with you more than necessary. At least Levi was something like a father to you, from time to time inviting you over to share some tea. But you were sick of people looking at you with those pitying eyes. So you were left with no one to talk, except for..

 _"Say, Annie...Did you guys really hate us all this time?"_ you leaned back in your chair, staring at the ceiling. _"I always considered you my friend. But I wonder...what did you really think of us? I at least know about Berthold's true feelings, thanks to Armin..."_

 **Berthold.** They told Annie that the Colossal Titan died during a fight, having the naive hope for her to freak out and come out of her crystal for revenge. Yet... **nothing.** Some of the soldiers protecting the room reported they could hear silent noises, almost sounding like whimpering.

 _"Annie..."_ you whispered with a crack in your voice, approaching the crystal and laying a hand on it, _"That's so stupid...I don't even know if you can hear me, but...Berthold, **he loved you."** _ For a brief moment, a smile went over your lips, recalling Berthold's bright eyes when he talked about the girl he loved **so** much. _"I thought you should know. I am so sorry."_ Looking up, you thought you could really see tears dam up in her eyes. Maybe your imagination, or the weird reflections of the crystal.7

You turned around, looking at her one last time before leaving the room again.

_"I'll keep on moving forward, Annie. And I will never give up. I don't have the right to tell you what to do. I don't even know you as well as I wished I did. But you should too. I know, one day you'll get out there. When that time comes, you can count on me. **I'll forgive you."**_

All those years of waiting until the time for your action would finally come. Those years of loneliness. Of having to stay strong, for Reiner, for your friends, for...

__________________________________________

**[Post-timeskip, Marley]**

_"You guys aren't human anymore!"_

_"Because we have the blood of the demons flowing inside us."_

_"You're the one who should've died back then!"_

_"Were you fooling us all along, up until now?"_

_"You are not a soldier, remember? We are warriors."_

_"I swear, I will sure that you die in the most excruciating way possible..."_

Even in his dreams, the voices of the past wouldn't leave him alone. There was no soldier persona to help him forget - because ever since the day he saw your presumed death, he had to bear the consequences of his sins. Every time he closed his eyes, he saw it: Marcel dying while protecting him, the corpses of those he killed back when Wall Maria fell, Marco getting eaten alive because he heared too much, the Survey Corps attacking Berthold. It wouldn't let him rest even for a second.

All of his near-death experiences were just a scratch compared with the people he hurt. The last thing he saw before waking up was how you collapsed into his arms, spouting out blood. Your grim expression made him shiver as you began to speak. _"You traitor...Why didn't you save me? Why do you keep on living after everything you've done?! **I hate you! Just die already!"**_

When he woke up from that nightmare, still trembling and breathing heavily, he looked over to Porco, who seemed pretty amused by Reiner's suffering. _"You looked like you were having a funny dream, so I thought I'd let you be."_ Reiner scratched his cheek, trying to be gentle and not provoke any fight. _"I still haven't thanked you for saving me back then, Porco. Thank you."_

 _"I didn't save you. I saved my country from losing the Armored Titan."_ Porco looked over to Reiner, disgusted by his self-pitying expression. _"First"_ he began to vent, _"If 9 years ago, I'd have been chosen for the Armored Titan, **none of this would never have happened."**_ He bit a piece off his sandwich, trying to surpress his anger while calmly saying _"My brother wouldn't have died while protecting you..."_

 _"Did you see Marcel's memories?"_ Reiner wondered. If so, he'd know that it was Marcels wish for his little brother to not be part of this operation. That he had organized everything so at least **he** could lead a normal life - yet it was all for nothing, since Porco inherited the Jaw Titan. _"I ruined everything..."_ Reiner told himself. _"Unfortunately...I did not see you **abandoning** my brother. But I understand this girl, Ymir. She was only a poor girl who recieved a name too big for her."_

Reiner sat on the edge of the bed, thinking about how selflessly Ymir sacrificed herself. How she would never be able to see Historia again. _"This is also my fault"_ he kept on haunting himself. _"So, say, Reiner...What did you do on that island? Did someone else keep on saving you?"_

Hearing this, Reiner immediately thought back about the only good thing that ever happened to him. Happy times, long in the past. The image in his head was clear and bright: **You,** laying into his arms as you cried out for him not to die. Telling him that you'd always be there for him, no matter how much it hurt. How often have you been the only reason for him to stay alive? And yet, all he used this life for was to **destroy** those around him. _"Yeah"_ he mumbled, not being able to say much more.

Porco wasn't done tormenting Reiner yet. _"Speaking of poor girls"_ he pondered, _"I saw you within those woman's memories. Fooling around with some girl. How cruel of you. You really are the worst."_ Reiners eyes widened, suddenly becoming furious about Porco and himself. _"Don't you dare to talk about her"_ he grumbled with a dark voice, but Porco was left unimpressed. _"Tz. Falling in love with a demon. Fitting for a failure like you. What was that all? You looked like a man everybody depended on. It was like you were **mimicking my brother."**_

He heared those words before. It was you, wasn't it? Back when he entrusted you the secret of how Marcel sacrificed himself for him, searching for answers to why he would save someone like him. This whole time, you remained calm and cheerful, smiling at him and nodding understandingly without judging - even when Reiner told you he ran away instead of helping his friend. _"So this is why you're always acting all reliable and strong, trying to save everyone even though you're so sensitive yourself? You're mimicking this...Marcel?"_ Yes, he was. All this time. And it was hard for him, but he wanted to be like this rather than his usual self. But then, you said something that he didn't forget, up to this day. _"Too bad. I like the **real** Reiner way more, you know?"_  Those shining eyes and bright smile of yours showed him that you meant it, for the first time leaving him not to hate himself for being what he was.

Reiner took a long breath, showing a tiny smile while remembering your words. _"That's right, Galliard. Everything you said is true."_

_________________________________

He never stopped his act, even though you tried to help him. He never abandoned his mission, even though Annie and Berthold told him to give it up. He was lost in so many places, yet he somehow managed to find his way home. **But at what cost?** This place didn't feel like home in the slightest. All those people he saw as big heroes, as family - they are all nothing more than **puppets,** having no free will and being controlled by this government. And he was one of them, just keep playing along because there was no point in living anyway. He just kept on existing, trying to turture himself through keeping on living with those sins weighting onto him, until one day the curse will put him down. At least he thought this way, until...

 _ **"No.** That means I have to go back... **there"**_ Reiner thought, stumbling through the streets, almost vomiting at the thought of having to go back to Paradis Island. _"But I've got no choice, I have to -"_ he interrupted himself, feeling the rifle strapped to his back. _"There **is** another way out."_

He'd do it in a quiet place, where no one can find his body this fast. Like this, no one will have to inherit the Armored Titan and suffer like he did. All his pain will come to an end. He will finally be free from his sins... **by atoning through death.**

This small, locked room was the perfect metaphor for his trapped life - trapped by the government, his wrong ideals, and inside his own mind.

As he took the magazine and prepared the weapon, sitting down on a wooden chair, he thought back about all that had happened in those past years. How he told Eren to just keep on moving forwards, because that's all everyone could do. How he'd always lend everyone a hand - but behind their backs, plotting to kill them. How all of his actions led to the inevitable death and suffering of so many people. **_"If only I had never been born..."_**

Putting the barrel into his mouth, he got another flashback. It was you again, wearing a white, beautiful dress, your hair waving with the wind. You turned around, smiling at him as lovely as always. _"Reiner..."_ you said with a sorrowful tone. He let out a last tear, trying to pull the trigger.

_"Marcel. Berthold. [___]. **Let's meet again."**_

Suddenly, he heared you yell, as if you were standing right beside him. Just like back then, when he tried to kill himself with the ODM gear _"Reiner, **DON'T!"**_

He flinched, but luckily didn't accidentally pull the trigger. Getting the barrel out of his mouth, he stood up because he heared something else coming from outside. It was Falco, cursing his current situation as he wandered the empty streets.

 _"Right...For me, there's still these guys"_ he realized. He had to smile, thinking about how he could never expect an angel like you and a monster like him to meet in the afterlife.

He reached out his arm, his hand getting out from between the bars of the window and trying to reach the blue, beautiful sky. _"You lost so much, [___]. Yet you always manage to smile. How can you be so strong? It was for those you loved that you kept on fighting, right?"_ Was this a sign that he shouldn't give up? Keep on living and trying to save what's left from those he loves?This whole scenery, this coincidentially interruption of his suicide attempt made him wonder.

_"After all of this, would you really want me to live, [___]?"_


	15. Heartbroken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You finally made your entrance at this war. This time, you'd be able to change the outcome.
> 
> But what will happen if you and Reiner finally meet each other again?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp the chapters are going to be a lot shorter now that I'm out of material.

Over the past few years, you and your friends cleansed Paradis Island from the Titans and succesfully defended against every Marleyan intruder. You didn't know if you should be grateful or sad about it, but Reiner never seemed to be among them.

  
Those last few months, you left the Survey Corps to live somewhere peaceful and clear your mind. After one of the Survey Corps seemed to have slipped out about your relationship with the Armored Titan, some of the civilians were rather... **hostile** when it came to you. When someone tried to put your room on fire one night, you thought it was better if you disappeared from the civilian life for quite a bit. Not only to protect your own life, after all. If they were to find out about...

  
But the peace wouldn't last long, since your friends asked you to accompany them for their hopefully last strike against the enemies of Paradis. _"Ugh. If Reiner did his job better back then I wouldn't have to deal with all this stuff"_ you thought to yourself as you practiced aiming on some trees. Over the past 4 years, your humor became quite dark sometimes. _"I didn't become a soldier to kill other humans, damn it..." "But you're quite good at it"_ Levi answerted, having heared your mumbling. When did he even arrive?

  
_"Hello, [___]." "Present, Sir! Captain Levi, sir!"_ you shoutet surprised as you started saluting. _"No need for formalities. Let's talk, we didn't have tea for quite some time."_ Like this, you invited him into your small wooden hut, him sitting down as you poured on some tea. _"Judging by you training your aim I guess this is means you'll come with us?"_ Sighing and holding your head, feeling some kind of headache like always when you have to think about such things, your answer was quite reserved.

  
_"Don't be so sure about that"_ you calmly explained, trying to express what was going on in your head. _"I always knew I don't have a big part in this world, or would imprint it somehow. So it's no surprise for me that you won't even tell me the details of this plan."_ For a short while, you were silent before daring to say: _"You're planning a **massacre,** don't you."_

  
_"That's what many people would call it, yes. And they aren't wrong." "So you're going to ask me to **become a murderer."**_ _"I thought you already killed someone when you were younger"_ he plainly added. _"Yes! But this was different! I just **defended myself.** Now you want me to kill innocents, too!" "Depends on your point of view. I guess Reiner also thought he was killing the enemy when he killed all those innocent people."_ You bit your lip, trying to surpress your emotions to stay clear-headed.

  
_"I never wanted to go down this path either, [___]"_ Levi reassured you while putting his hand on your shoulder. He knew damn well what it meant to leave behind your humantiy after losing someone important. _"And we will try to keep the casualities among the townsfolk as little as possible. We didn't tell you anything because we think it'll be better for your conscience if you know only as much as you need to. But you're still a part of the Survey Corps, and we need any man. This will be the last fight, deciding our fate."_ Your superior and friend stood up, preparing to leave again. How can he talk so calmly about all of this?

  
_"We'll depart in a month up from now. But I'll be awaiting your answer by tomorrow."_ After hesitating for a moment, he also said _"Anyway, you could also pursue your own goals there, at Marley. No one would stop you."_

  
For a while, you kept on sitting on the chair, trembling with mixed emotions. But just before Levi was too far away to hear you, you jumped up and ran towards the door, yelling _"Sir, I'm in, sir!"_

  
Levi smirked. _"That'll be interesting."_

  
_____________

 

There you were, flying above the town as you saw hell opening up on the ground. _"Eren... **What have you done?"**_

  
At this moment, you didn't care about what their plan was in the first place. It didn't matter at all. The only thing that mattered in your head, that you thought about over and over again was _"I need to make it back. I still have someone to go home to. I **have** to!"_

  
How selfish you were, only thinking about yourself during a time like this. While others lost their families too, just like back then. _"Now we are the monsters, aren't we, Reiner..."_ You couldn't take this scenery, but even though it brought back the memories from the fall of Wall Maria, you wouldn't even flinch. The resolve to at least save as many civilians as possible run through your veins, making your body move on it's own.

  
It was clear to you from the very beginning that you haven't had this big of a role in this _"play"._ So why did they let you join them, after all? Out of pity? Did they think you could convince Reiner to switch sides? **Ridiculous.** But anyway, you were grateful for this chance.

  
Sadly, the only thing you could see on this battlefield was **corpses.** No sign of life anywhere near the battlefield where Eren and the Warhammer were still fighting so intense that it was too dangerous to get close.

  
Yet when you saw a structure that resembled the hands of the Armored Titan, you shivered, almost losing ballance. As you landed right in front of Falco, you stared right past the boy with a blank stare, your trembling voice saying _**"Reiner...Braun."**_

  
The shifter lines on his face made him resemble his Titan form even more. Looking at him being this way caused the emotions that you surpressed all those years to emerge again. You gulped and took a deep breath to try and stay calm, containing your anger. But your blood was already both racing and boiling.

  
That same moment, you began to approach him with firm steps, your guns still in your hand. Falco panicked and tried to block your way, desparately yelling _"Please! **Don't hurt him!"**_ You carefully shoved the boy to the side, dropping your guns as you finally reached your former lover.

  
Grabbing onto his jacket, you didn't know what to do first. Punch him? Shake him awake?

  
_"You...big idiot"_ you cried out, leaving Falco speechless. _ **"Oh no...** you wont take the easy way out and die"_ you kept on, softly punching his chest before finding yourself snuggling onto him. _"You'll live on and atone for your sins! Every day, no matter how painful it is!"_

  
But he did not react. _"I'm already hearing voices"_ Reiner thought. _"Why won't you let me be with her? Why am I still here? Why can't I just disappear?"_ Your screams turned into a silent whimpering... _"I missed you. I missed you so much, Reiner! I told you I'd **never** leave you. So please, stay with me, too!"_

  
Falco interrupted you, asking _"Just...Who are you, miss?"_ You turned around and cheerfully smiled at the poor boy, petting his head. _"Let's say I'm an old friend. Don't worry, I'm not here to hurt you!"_ you said, realizing how he was shaking.

  
Looking up, you saw Eren and the Warhammer Titan still fighting to their fullest. _"I...can imagine it's hard to believe in someone like me after everything that happened. But I don't want any innocent people to die. I'm here to evacuate civilains, and, well...for him"_ you said, pointing at Reiner. Turning around to your former lover again, you gave him the long, passionate kiss you've been craving for since 4 years. _"So, **my hero,** come back to me soon. Like you always did"_ you said with the kindest voice as you stroked his cheek. You took the boy's hand and dragged him along with you. _"Don't worry about Reiner. He's cheated death more times than I can count, so he'll be fine! Let's get you out of here!"_

  
Falco looked after the still unconscious Reiner, wondering just what his idol has been up to all these years on Paradis Island. _"This route should be safe. Please, run towards the barricade as quick as you can!" "What about you, miss?" "We can't be seen together or they'll think of you as a traitor"_ you said, hugging the him. _"I am so sorry for everything. But promise you'll stay alive and save your friends"_ you whispered before you ran away and switched to the 3DMG. For a while, you stood on a rooftop and watched the boy savely arrive the Marleyan soldiers.

  
_"I've done the right thing, didn't I? Guys? Reiner?"_


End file.
